perambulating in the woods

arm in arm
leg in leg
today we ambled
saw people
dogs
harmonious
cold winter sun
shining through the copse
romantic
she said
i like it when you are extra sensual
i heard
existential
i said
why is there something rather than nothing?
she said
to be honest when i'm with you i'm not sure that there is

boxing day jollification

boxing day jollification
shopping and drinking
football and boats
a walk in the park
a man is stoned to death

a christmas poem

oh yes i like Christmas don't you?
it's nice
very nice indeed
time for family and all that
couldn't agree more
- what's that?
goose
is that what you're having?
goose you say?
not turkey?
what's good for the turkey is bad for the goose
do you get it?
never mind
oh yes it's very nice
are you sure you're having goose?
i thought you were vegetarian
well i mean everyone's a vegetarian nowadays aren't they?
bloody stinking rotten vegetarians
you make me sick
make me want to vomit
- what's that?
potatoes?
now there's a surprise
international year of the potato
did you know that?
i don't suppose you did
the year of the potato!
i ask you
solanum tuberosum - if you know what i mean
that's something, that is
the miracle of life
the staple of humanity
what do you say to that?
the food of the future
how does that strike you?
i can't wait
i take my hat off to the potato i do
i salute the tasty root
sing it a hymn and a ditty
i might even write a poem
ode to the apple of the earth

i like writing poems
i write one everyday
harold pinter died yesterday
and this one is for him

a towering achievement

legs
made out of chocolate
legs

persona non grata

in paris
rome
or even zanzibar
i think of you
when i am down
i breathe deeply
i miss you
when you're not there
i long for hydrotheraphy
despite
if i'm honest
not really knowing
what it is

poet (ger) ry

The last time i rode a horse
i fell off and died
i have given up riding horses
and taken up writing poetry
instead.

an even shorter play for Xmas

Frederick Goodge is a man in his early forties. He is handsome but faded and jaded too. He has spent a lot of time in the sun in the past and enjoyed a healthy balanced lifestyle but now he is mostly pale if not fetid looking. He is a kind-hearted man, avuncular and deeply fond of humanity but he is also a dangerous sociopath, with a tendency to shout obscenities at fauna and flora. He is on a window ledge of the 37th floor of a very tall building. He is about to jump. Enter Dana Drawl. Dana is devastatingly attractive, possessing the kind of sex appeal that can launch ships to the moon. She is a wily creature, a temptress and a pretty good waitress too. You should see her tips. She is married but not really, she is not the sort. She and Frederick have had an on and off, up and down, in and out, tempestuous, torrid and tawdry love affair ever since they were very young. Too young, some might say. Frederick turns around and sees Dana.

F: I'm on the window ledge of the 37th floor of a very tall building and I'm about to jump. Don't try and stop me.
D: You wouldn't dare.

Frederick jumps off the window ledge and plummets to his death.

D: Cripes. I guess whoever said never underestimate Frederick Goodge was right.

Exit Dana. The end.

a short play for Xmas

Agatha is sitting in a rocking chair, still. Enter Clive.

A: Maurice? Maurice is that you?
C: No it is I, Clive.
A: Oh I thought you were Maurice.
C: It is I, Clive but with the face of Maurice.
A: I see.
C: Can you still love me?
A: Can I still love you?
C: Yes.
A: In truth, I never loved you.
C: Oh.
A: Secretly, I always loved Maurice.
C: What was it you loved about him?
A: His face.
C: This one?
A: Yes. And now I can tell you to his face.

They look at each other in the face and kiss. The end.

FEDORA BERET OF INVESTIGATION

The FBI is actually a front for the hat-making industry! reveals savvy undercover reporter for Hello! Magazine.

"It's obvious when you think about it" said Janet Carbunkle, freelance journalist and avid amateur milliner. "The trouble is most people don't think about it".
"It's like there's an elephant in the room, and the elephant is wearing a big fancy hat as if it were going to Royal Ascot but no-one wants to talk about it. I'm saying it's OK to talk about it. Say Hello! to the elephant in the living room, and you'll be surprised just how friendly it is. Who knows - you might even end up in the bedroom together!"

Janet is currently seeking psychiatric help and is not allowed within 5 miles of an animal, dead or alive. She has also been banned from wearing any sort of hat, except for a crash helmet.

Risky business

Fighting in the Democratic Republic of Congo continues despite a ceasefire being agreed.

"What a shame that ceasefires don't work" said a UN spokesperson over breakfast to his dog as he tucked into a second bowl of .... "Yes, in an ideal world all ceasefires would work and the fighting would stop immmediately. To which his dog replied: "Or better still, in an ideal world there'd be no fighting at all".

"You're so naive" said the spokesperson, "but then again, you are just a dog."

Imagine a world where dogs could talk. Or one where people didn't fight all the time. Which is more improbable? Here's a scenario:

Hello old sport what are you up to?

I'm just planning a war.

Oh yes?

Yes, I'm going to attack a small foreign country and bomb the hell out of it and plunder it for oil and rape the women and cut off the water supplies and generally cause an awful bloody great inconvenience to millions of innocent people.

Are you serious?

You bet I am.

Fantastic, but wait, what if they ask you to stop?

What?

A ceasefire?

Oh, bugger I didn't think of that.

How about a game of risk instead?

Good idea.

A mostly moving tale

I went to the library today. In fact I went yesterday too, and the day before that. I've been to the library every day this week and every time I'm there the librarian tells me that my membership has expired and I need to bring in some proof of address to show I'm still entitled to belong to the library. This is not a problem but I have forgotten to take any proof every time so far. Now the lady won't issue me any books until I bring in my proof of address. I assured her on my last visit that I hadn't moved, she said that wasn't the point. Now I'm paranoid she thinks I have moved but I love that library so much that I don't want to leave and join another one. I haven't moved I said, I hope you don't think that I've moved but I love this library so much that I can't bear to be separated from it. There's nothing special about this library, I'd happily join another one. As I said this, the lady's chin began to wobble. No, I didn't mean it like that I protested. I love this library, it's very special, not least on account of its proximity to my house and I love the selection of books you have here and postcards of pre-war Kennington and even those books for sale on the trolley as you come in, biographies of rugby players and those trashy romantic pseudo novels - pieces of trash you're trying to sell, these are books that people won't rent out for free, what makes you think that people are going to pay money for them to suffer the embarrassment of keeping them in their homes potentially forever? The lady's glasses began to steam up. No, no don't get me wrong I love these books, yes and to prove it I'm going to buy one, can I buy one? Presmuably I don't need to be a member in order to buy a book - I mean I don't need to join Waterstones to buy something from there. Oh yes, but I just can't decide between The Doctor's Special Touch and Bulletproof Hearts. OK, I'll take them both. There you go.
But I still need to see some proof of I.D the next time you come in.
But I haven't moved I tell you! If I have moved (which I haven't), then I've moved a minimal distance so I'm still well within the catchment area so as far as your concerned I haven't moved at all. I may have moved across the street for example except I haven't or possibly next door but I can't have moved next door as the couple next door haven't moved out so if I have moved next door then I've moved in with the couple, but I would never do that. He's an angry shouty man who smokes a lot of marijuana and she's a whiny idiot. Well, let's just say the lift doesn't exactly go all the way to the top floor. She lives on the second floor so perhaps not such an idiot after all but twice she's asked me to break her door down as she's lost her keys. The other day the police came round because the angry shouty man was angry and shouting at his idiot girlfriend. I listened to the whole scene through my door. What's the trouble? said the policeman. No trouble said the man. We had reports of shouting and possible violence, said the policeman.
No, no we just had a little argument that's all, no trouble. What was the argument about?
Nothing really, my girlfriend thinks an octopus is a fish that's all. Don't worry, she's an idiot, I told her off that's all.
Then the police detected the smoke in the flat.
You been smoking in there? asked the policeman.
No, no just smoking a little spliff, nothing major said the man.
You understand it's against the law.
No, just having a smoke in my own home, not causing any trouble Officer.
It's actually a criminal offence to smoke, even in your home.
In the privacy of my home Officer, don't worry about anything, just a little argument with my girlfriend, you see she thinks octopus is a fish but I corrected here not a problem.
Look if we have to come back again we're going to take you down to the station do you understand?
The man doesn't understand that his flat is not a sovereign city state independent from the rest of the country and as such is subject to the same laws as the rest of the land and the lady is so stupid she doesn't know what an octopus is and she even put her address on her house keys in case she loses them!
Well if she doesn't lose them, at least she''ll have proof of her address.

Knock her down with a feather

Paula Abdul sighed into the wind like a gossamer gibbon caught in a wayward tailspin. She was doleful, and on the dole. Paula hadn't had a hit in years; she was broke, destitute and forlorn. She was thinking about going back to cheerleading but had recently developed pteronophobia, the fear of being tickled by feathers. It is a rare phobia indeed but a serious one. Paula was feeling very fragile, she could literally have been knocked down by Vic Feather, General Secretary of the Trade Union Congress in Great Britain from 1969 to 1973. But luckily for Paula, Vic had been dead since 1976.
Or had he?
Yes, he had.
It all started when Paula married sportswear designer Brad Beckerman back in 1996. He had turned up for the wedding dressed as a chicken. "What do you think you're doing?" asked Paula, agog at the altar.
"I wanted to surprise you", said Brad.
"But you know I hate plumage," said Paula.
"But opposites attract" said Brad, cleverly referencing one of Paula's best known songs.

The couple were happy for two years but the marriage ended in 1998 when Paula caught Brad in bed with Emilio Estevez, Paula's previous husband. "What do you think you're doing?" asked Paula, agog at the foot of the bed.
"I wanted to surprise you," said Brad.
"But you know I hate surprises, and infidelity and Emilio Estevez too."
"But it's all about feeling good" said Brad, cleverly referencing another of Paula's best known songs.

"Not this time" said Paula. "I want a divorce".

"You already had one," said Emilio.

"I'm not talking to you" said Paula.

"But my love is for real" said Brad."Straight up".

"Then what are you doing in bed with my x-husband?"

"Having sex", said Emilio.

"I'm not talking to you" said Paula.

"I just wanted to see what it was like. Doing it with the star of the Mighty Ducks." said Brad.

"But you know I hate ducks." said Paula.

And that is how Paula ended up with pteronophobia. "Oh well," said Paula, " at least I am not a bird, then I'd be afraid of my own body and well and truly screwed."

Police sir, can I have some more?

The Chief of Police has allegedly arrested himself for attempting to steal his own alter ego. He was spotted outside his home in the early hours of this morning in a gruesome self-reflexive tussle which ended in a bloody nose and a mini identity crisis. The Chief of Police took himself to the nearest police station and questioned himself on his whereabouts, his motives and what he thought about Kant. The Chief of Police has come under fire lately over the way he dealt with several high profile incidents including the shooting of an innocent man and the drawing of a naked penguin.

"It is most likely that the Chief of Police will now step down," said his step aerobics instructor, Bruce from Balham. "This is traditionally the next move, and I don't see any reason why this should be different."

The Chief of Police has since apologised for the inappropriate picture of the penguin. It was supposed to be a nun.

Law-sutism

The Lord Chief Justice today gave tradition a cheeky slap on the bum when he took off his wig in court and exclaimed:
"Criminals come in all shapes and sizes so why discriminate against judges with hair? I have the deepest respect for crooks, reprobates and scoundrels and I can assure you this has nothing to do with hirsutism. "
The courtroom was stunned, mainly because no-one knew what he was talking about. After lunch, a spokesperson who looked a bit like a horse explained that they wanted to update the Judiciary and make judges look more in touch with the modern world.
"From now on judges with or without a full head of hair will be able, nay, encouraged to appear in court without headgear. One step at a time, nay, as judges without heads will still unfortunately be working from home. Please can I have some more hay?"

Vaticanations?

A Catholic school has banned vaccinations for cervical cancer from its premises and also too much caffeine can be bad for you. One can of Red Bull may encourage young girls to be promiscuous and Catholicism can cause panic attacks and nausea.
The Chief Medical Officer at the Department of Health made the following statement during his fag (cigarette) break: "I was raised a Catholic and I am fine, but then again, I can't go too near taffeta or I start to melt."
A spokesman for the Vatican made the following statement during his fag (?) break: "I was raised by wolves and now I am fine. Boys will be boys, although some will be priests like me but girls will never be priests, unless they drink too much caffeine in which case anything can happen. I have to go now, I can hear howling."

Love's Labour's going to lose

Today Gordon Brown was introduced to and then by his wife in Manchester! He wore a suit and made a speech befitting any self-respecting Prime Minister worth his salt in weight.

Mr Brown said he would improve Britain for young people and old people, brazenly implying that he would charge middle-aged people an extra $10 a head for ham and DVDs. Now, I'm no madcap Tory bean but there is simply no justification for this. Whatever next?! Hidden taxes on facial expressions? Smile? I nearly played the blues.

Mr Brown also admitted he had made mistakes in his time. It is common knowledge that he beeped when he should have bopped but do we all know that he once got his laundry mixed up with a famous Danish football player and as a result Denmark lost a match they really should have won although they were impeccably turned out?

Gordon's wife, Sarah, is quoted as saying, "Gordon Bleu! That's all I can say..."

Funny money

One in 50 pound coins could be fake according to a Royal Mint. This startling revelation has sparked widespread speculation over what else could be fake. A spokesman said, "I'm fake too, don't believe a word I say about anything, including potholes."

An old lady with a nose for counterfeitery believes she saw a fake bus today and refused to get on it. "I saw it coming a mile off", she said. "It looked just like a real bus but when it got closer, I could tell there was something not quite right about it. Then when the door opened and I looked inside, my hunch was confirmed: the driver was fake as well. In the end, I walked for over 6 hours to the post office, but I'd sooner do that than be seen dead on a fake bus."

How to spot a fake coin:

Check the Queen's head.

How to spot a fake Queen:

Check her husband, if he is grinning inanely whilst being mildly xenophobic, she is probably real.

Big news little news

Mynydd Graig Goch in Snowdonia is now a mountain! It was a hill but now it is a mountain. It turns out it is a little bit bigger than it was (first thought). Rather like my Antipodean uncle Louis Derriere. For years we thought he was a dwarf. But one day he trod on a jelly fish and suddenly stood up straight. He was spontaneously measured by more than 7,000 satellites and the Ordnance Survey deemed him a man.

Elf esteem

Today we ask our elves the question: when are you going to grow up?

Camberwell I never

Suppose yourself to be invisible? Take a long, hard look in the mirror. If you have no reflection, you are probably suffering from a vitamin D deficiency and you could do with a holiday in the sun. Why not try Camber sands, or if you don't like rocks however broken down, then maybe Camberwell is more up your street. If you live in Denmark Hill, then it really will be.
There is plenty of wildlife and vegetation to see in Camberwell: the weever fish lives on the lush, verdant, green, Camberwell Green. When the 176 bus goes past, it buries itself in the earth. It has a ridge of sharp spikes across its back. If you tread on one when whistling, the spikes will give you a nasty sting. If you do get stung, you will need to stop whistling immediately and eat a dime bar.

There are currently no vacancies at the Camberwell Maritime and Coastguard Agency.

God knows

Controversy abounds. Should creationism be taught in schools? Or should it be taught in the woods? Is the Pope a fan of Genesis? Peter Gabriel or Angel Gabriel? Have you ever tried to prove the existence of God using a complex rope and pulley system, some watercress and a series of light emitting diodes? And who was gutted they missed the start of the Lib Deb Party Conference because it started a day early?

Some people say that creationism should be regarded as a valid alternative to the theory of evolution. For those of you not familiar with either concept, here is a brief overview.

Creationism is the belief that the world started a few hundred years ago when a wizard called Godfrey sneezed. According to evolutionary theory, the world is much older than that but keeps itself in good shape by working out 3 times a week and drinking lots of green tea. The beginning of the world was an accident but insurance didn't exist so we just had to get on with it.

Was Jesus good at science? A question that has baffled leading theologians and pre-eminent sciencists for weeks. The answer is he was an average student, he opted for double science and got 2 Bs. He was much more interested in girls and sport, normally at the same time.

One in two parents will have 'em

A recent survey has revealed that one in six mothers has a favourite child. Quite often that child is not their own. It is the child next door or sometimes an imaginary child who lives happily in the mind of the mother, quiet, obedient and good at jenga. Ten mothers out of six have never taken their children to Disneyland and amazingly, one in two mothers has never touched a gibbon with a ladle.

The survey also revealed that quite a few fathers have feathers. These can help keep the child warm when the mother is busy gathering supplies in Primark. Most fathers stated that they love all their children equally and in the same way but one father from Kettering admitted that he loved his oldest child unconditionally, whereas his daughter he loved in the subjunctive.

Some parents' experiences are less conventional:

"I couldn't help it," explained Jim, a part-time welder and bird impersonator from many different places, "I always wanted a son, but my wife kept giving me daughters. In the end, we had 57 daughters, 14 dogs, 3 penguins and no sons so I used my skills and welded a son together out of steel, brass, and a bit of polyester. Now we're the perfect family and our son is thriving at school, he's really attentive and is excellent at forming bonds with the other kids."

Hilary Capillary, a fully fledged and devoted mother and founder of a website for parents, says that having a favourite child can cause intense feelings of shame and guilt. She suggests that the best way to overcome these feelings is to not have any children at all. "At first I have found that as a mother, it was difficult for me not to have any children but I attended an evening class with some other like-minded women and we smoked a lot of skunk and now I love all the children I don't have the same. I recommend Northern Lights but if you can't get hold of that, then regular skunk will do."

Your parents' footsteps

If you had a different father, would you have the same shoes? This is just one of the great metaphysical conundrums of our time. Presumably you would have one shoe the same (the one on your mother's side) and the other shoe would be different. How different would depend how different your father is, for example does he like to eat wood whilst at the same time being morally opposed to furniture? If you find yourself with completely different shoes, you'd do well to question the validity of both your parents and check that your laces haven't been tied together. If you have no shoes at all, do not panic, there is a good chance you are wearing a nice pair of socks. Your parents' union is crucial to your existence, therefore you should be grateful for their romantic endeavours and you should give them a present on your birthday or, better still, on the day of your conception. Presents can include a copy of the Dream Warriors classic hip-hop album "and now the legacy begins", a season ticket to West Bromwich Albion or a free leaflet about obstructive sleep apnea.

Snap election

Gordon Brown is a massive crocodile from Scotland. Estimated to be at least 6 metres (20 ft) in length and weighing around 1 ton he is the largest crocodile ever seen in Downing Street. Based on his size, Gordon Brown is estimated to be about 50 years old. He is also the current chief necromancer of England, a small floaty island where human beans and children live in harmony and houses. Gordon Brown is a firm believer in oldy worldy labour values and a notorious man-eater. Gordon Brown is sometimes critized in the media for being a dour-face and not smiling but he is simply trying not to scare people with his giant gnashers. Gordon Brown is a keen swimmer and was most recently sighted in January in the Serpentine lake in Hyde Park where he was having a picnic with Ed Balls, a large, mostly plant-eating mammal also with big teeth.

Call me

They call me John Terry
They call me Fred Perry
They call me Perry Mason
They call me Grayson Perry
They call me Larry Grayson
They call me Gary Larson
That's not my name
my name is Gerry

Heathcliff, it's me - Gerry!
Come home, I've got whiskers
Let me in through a -
your cat flap




dedicated to the late Hortense Schneider, French soprano and reputed lover of King Edward VII and fried elephant ears.

Allez Croydon!

Dear Croydon, I was delighted to hear on the news that the french President intends to move Croydon to Paris. I have been to Paris before and it was nice but i do remember saying to myself "if only it could be a bit more like Croydon". I am a big fan of supremely gorgeous with dodgy moustache singer PETER SARSTEDT and in particular his famous song, "Where do you go to (my lovely)?" In the song, he says that you live in a fancy apartment off the Boulevard Saint-Michel, which is a place in Paris. This may well be true but the fact is we all know that Peter now lives very happily with his wife (Jill, GSOH RSVP) in Croydon, which is you. I am CONVINCED that Mr Sarkozy was listening to this song when he was making his plans for a new, improved Paris. It is surely not a coincidence. What do you think about this and good luck with your exciting gallic move!

Cher Paris,

Mon Dieu, je reve debout! C'est pas possible, have you ever actually been to Croydon?

Reality schism (Realism)

Today we ask ourselves the question: what makes us who we are and who is more real, actor Ian Smith or fictional character Harold Bishop?

In terms of pyschology, there are 3 factors to be considered when determining personality.

(1) do you have 2, 4 or 8 legs?

(b) do you play the banjo or does the banjo play you?

(iii) do you respond well to stimuli ( e.g Sha the rapper from Brooklyn)?

In a clever test of vraisemblance, Harold Bishop scored 99%, whereas the actor who plays him, Ian Smith, scored a measly 14%. It seems that Harold is considerably more real than Ian, although not necessarily more realistic. In the test we asked both participants to bake a cake, complete an assault course dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte, and deliver some mail in a manner evoking an air of magic realism. The results go to show that both Harold and Ian are crap at baking, but at least Harold has a clearly defined set of characteristics. Shame on you, Ian.

And finally...

Broccoli, a member of the brassica family along with cauliflower and turnips, is through to the final of the US Open and will face defending champion, Roger Federer. Federer has said he is quite nervous about playing Broccoli as it is unpredictable and very fast around the court. Broccoli has not reached a Grand Slam final before now but did really well at school, particularly in home economics.

A recent study has revealed that Andy Murray is really good for you and may help prevent cancer. Murray goes well with lemon juice and can be added to a soup. Murray likes to be kept in a fridge and eaten within 2 days.

In other news, Chris "Northern" Rock has announced a record loss of £585m and made 1,300 staff redundant. In a statement, he said "Αθλιες χαρακτηρίζει ο ομογενής συγγραφέας και δημοσιογράφος Χάρης Νικολαϊδης τις συνθήκες που επικρατούν στο κρατητήριό του, στην [...] mum, let go of my pizza you don't know who you're messing with."

Large Hadron Collider with chips

The world's most powerful physics experiment (Large Hadron Collider) will on Wednesday re-create the conditions after the Big Bang in an attempt to answer fundamental questions of science and the universe itself. Here are the questions in case you were wondering:

(1) How did the earth begin and what was the intro music?
(2) How come there is something as opposed to nothing and why is Jeremy Clarkson so successful?
(3) Is there a God and does he cut his own hair?


And here are the answers in case you can't wait until Wednesday.
(1) The earth began an E please Bob and the music was "You give love a bad name" by Bon Jovi
(2) There is something because nothing is nothing so nothing is something too and Jeremy Clarkson is a good example of anti matter.
(3) There may be a God; if there is one, he is bald, if there isn't then yes and he has an NVQ level 3 in barbering.

Some people are concerned that the experiment will create a black hole at the centre of the earth and cause it to implode. This is unlikely. Others are concerned that the Pacific Ocean will turn to custard. This will almost certainly happen.

My mother and other animals

Dear Africa,

I am very keen to go to Africa as my mother is from there and although I have her legs, I have never been there myself. My mother was born in Nakuru and grew up near the lake, befriending many animals, baboons and flamingos alike. One time, when she was a teenager, her glands swelled up and she was mistaken for one of the Big Five and nearly put in a zoo. Luckily she managed to zigzag her way back to the house and pretend to be a lamp post. My mother has some crazy stories like that I can tell you. Now she lives in Kent, England, and still has a very close relationship with the wildlife, such as butterflies and squirrels. She claims she can talk to them but butterflies are pompous and squirrels are racist so she doesn't bother most of the time. I would like to arrange a surprise trip back to Kenya for my mother so I need some info but on the sly. Is it possible to stay on the lake and does it cater for vegeterians?

Many thanks for your help,
Gerry
P.S When is a rhino not a rhino?

London ambivalence

Dear London, Ontario,

I am writing to you today from London, England. I am sure you are aware that these two great cities have the same name but I wonder if they have more in common than first meets the eye. Does having the same name as London, England cause any confusion? I had the same name as a boy at school and once after P.E I put his clothes on and ended up going back to his home and eating chips and ice cream! The other boy went back to my house and was never seen again! I imagine some people have gone to London, Ontario thinking they were going to see the Queen and were a bit disappointed. Do you have any stories like this?
Many thanks,
Gerry

P.S In London England pastimes include apologizing, turning noses up and putting hags in the river. What do you like to do?

Luxembourg in a nutshell

Dear Grand Duchy of Luxembourg,

I am very keen to visit Luxembourg this autumn as part of my mini world tour 2008. As an amateur anthropomerist, my aim is to visit a selection of the smallest countries in the world and find out just what it is about them that makes them so small. I understand that Luxembourg is the sixth smallest country and that your head of state, Sir Henri the Grand Duke, is also one of the world's smallest leaders. This bodes very well for my research trip! I have found a lot of information about coming to your country on your website but I have a few more questions before I leave:

(1) What is the biggest size suitcase I can bring?

(2) Is the chairlift in Vianden open to people like me who have trouble sitting down?

(3) I would like to learn a few Luxembourg phrases so I can speak to the locals in their own language. I would like to be able to say:

(a) Hallo, my name is Gerry and I shall be honoured to dine with you in your castle.

(b) If it is not too much trouble, how many pants make a dozen?

(c) Thank you for your hospitality, I think I need to lie down now.

I hope you are able to help me with my questions and I look forward to booking my holiday soon.

Kind regards,

Gerry Howell

Chevy chased by a crocodile

Dear Chevy Chase Bank,

I imagine you are asked this a lot, but were you named after Chevy Chase, famous actor from Spies Like Us? He is my favorite actor so it would be an honour to open up an account with his bank. I am based in England but I do have some dollars left over from my trip to Florida when I went to see the crocodiles (they are much faster than they look, no?)

Best wishes,
Gerry Howell

Dear Gerry Howell:
Thank you for your e-mail dated 8/27/2008, inquiring whether Chevy Chase Bank is affiliated with Chevy Chase, the actor. We welcome the opportunity to assist you.

Chevy Chase Bank is not affiliated with Chevy Chase, the actor.

Chevy Chase Bank traces its roots back for over 100 years to the founding of the B.F. Saul Company in 1892 by Mr. B. Francis Saul. The B.F. Saul Company became established as one of the leading mortgage banking companies in the Washington area and survived the great Depression of the 1930’s by offering a diversity of financial services to the real estate industry
In 1969, Mr. Saul founded the Chevy Chase Bank, which began operation in a trailer located at the site of the Bank’s former headquarters on Connecticut Avenue. From its early beginnings, Chevy Chase Bank was an innovator in offering financial services to the public. Originally known as the "Home of the 6% Passbook," Chevy Chase established a reputation as the bank where the consumer could obtain a better value than was generally available.

Should you have any additional questions or concerns, please contact us again by e-mail or by telephone. Customer Care Associates are available to assist you, daily from 7:00 a.m. until 11:00 p.m., ET, at either of the two numbers listed below.

Thank you for your interest in Chevy Chase Bank.

Sincerely,
Heather Jorgensen
Customer Contact Center
Chevy Chase Bank

Hat's the way I like it

Dear Red Hat Society,

I understand you are an international organization of women who meet for tea wearing red hats and purple dresses.

Boy am I glad I came across you! This is my destiny for sure! Chapeau as they say in France and Belgium!

Allow me to introduce myself: I am a cosmopolitan individual, off-kilter some might say, buxom and vivacious with a love of tea, a penchant for red hats and an insatiable purple dress fetish. The only snag is I am not approaching 50 or over and I am sadly not a woman. Would I still be able to join your club?

Also, I heard say that one wears a hat to prove that one has a head. Is this true? Are there not other ways of doing this? I am curious and would love to know what you think about this.

Best wishes,

Gerry

Hello, Red Hat Society is a woman’s social organization that connects and supports women in their pursuit of Fun, Friendship, Freedom and Fulfillment. If you female and 21 years old or older, you may join Red Hat Society. Ladies 50 and older wear purple outfits with red hats, and are known as Red Hatters or Red Hat Ladies. Ladies 49 and under wear lavender outfits and pink hats and are known as Pink Hatters, Ladies in waiting, or Red Hats in training.

Thank you, Dianne / LadyDi RHS Story Lady / Communications Coordinator Red Hat Society Hatquarters

Happy RHS 10th Birthday to you from us at Hatquarters. There is magic in those hats! Come along, we’re going to play all year long.
See you in Grand Rapids MI! Sept 26-28 2008
See you in Savannah GA! Oct 10-13 2008
See you in London England for New Year's!!! Dec 28 2008 - Jan 4 2009
See you in Dallas TX! March 25-29 2009

I'll cross that bridge when I come to it unless I'm on a bike

Cher Viaduc de Millau,

Je vous ecris aujourd'hui parce-que mon passe-temps favori, c'est les ponts. Quand j'etais enfant, je revais de travailler sur un pont mais maintenant je travaille dans un bureau devant un ordinateur. Mon patron me dit toujours: Il faut pas bruler tes ponts et moi je reponds: Je n'ai pas de ponts mais j'en reve et il me dit tu reves debout et puis je m'assieds devant mon ordinateur. Je deteste mon patron. Il y a des ponts ici a Londres (par exemple Putney et Tower) mais ils sont pas magnifiques et tout neufs comme vous. Comme vous le savez, le Viaduc de Millau est le plus grand pont du monde. Bravo! No small feat, comme on dit en Angleterre. J'ai tres envie de vous rendre visite et je me demande si c'est possible. Je ne conduis pas mais j'ai un velo. A votre avis, pourrais je traverser le Viaduc de Millau en velo? J'ai une casquette et j'amenerais un pique-nique et une tente aussi. Traverser le pont, ca prends combien de temps? On a le droit de fait du camping sur le pont? Ca coute combien? C'est l'anniversaire de ma grandmere ce weekend donc je compte venir la semaine prochaine. Ca vous convient?

Merci infiniment pour votre assistance et a bientot,

Monsieur Howell

Monsieur,

Suite à votre demande, nous vous conseillons de prendre contact avec la société qui organise des visites du Viaduc en bus cabriolet.
Voici ses coordonnées :
Millau Halle Viaduc Place de la Capelle - 12100 Millau Tél : 05 65 60 95 05 E mail : mailto:contact@ot-millau.frhttp://www.millau-halle-viaduc.com/

Pour votre information, le Viaduc de Millau est un tronçon de l’autoroute A75, il est formellement interdit de le traverser à vélo ou de faire du camping sur le Viaduc.

Cordialement,

A KELLER
Service Commercial et Communication
Compagnie Eiffage du Viaduc de Millau
Péage de St Germain
BP 60457
12104 Millau Cédex

Shrodinger's humdinger

Dear Schrodinger,

I write to you today in regard to your famous cat thought experiment. I have already written to Stan (inventor of Henry's cat) and he says that Henry can be full and empty at the same time but he cannot speak for somebody else's cat. I understand that your experiment is a fine example of a quantum paradox and therefore any confusion or distress caused to the cat is totally justifiable. Here is my question: If a cat is either dead or alive or possibly both, is it wanted? Is there any connection between your cat experiment and the cult TV show Wanted: dead or alive starring Steve McQueen as bounty hunter Josh Randall? I know what you are thinking: nobody puts Steve McQueen in a sealed container! Actually, he is dead now so technically he is already. Do you like Steve McQueen? I do. Did you know he did all his own stunts? I do my own stunts too. I have just put myself in a sealed container with a bit of radioactive substance which may or may not kill me. All I have is my blackberry so I can send you this email. If I ever make it out of here alive, do you think I could have a job on your scientific advisory board - I got a B in double science at school and my favourite TV show is Quantum Leap?

Many thanks,

Gerry (human paradox in a box)

Henry's Schrodinger

Dear Stan,

I am just trying to figure out who Henry is. Is it you? Do you have a cat? What is it called? What do you think about that experiment where you put in a cat in a box just to prove that it is either dead or alive or maybe both? I miss Henry's cat, is it going to be back on TV soon?

Kind regards,

Gerry


Gerry,

You will find more episodes on the Henryscat site. Hopefully others will get put on later. Regarding Schrödinger's cat, I don’t know. Henry’s Cat can be both full and empty at the same time in so far as he has eaten enough and wants to eat more.
Henry left before the series started. We couldn’t afford to pay him.

Regards

stan

Wild things

Dear Howletts & Port Lympne Wild Animal Park,

In sooth, I know not why I am so sad. Yes, I do: I work in an office! I don't know what I do or how I ended up here but it is very boring and I really don't feel like I belong here. The other people in the office are very different to me and say perhaps I was raised by lions. Hence this here email to you today. I would like to come and visit you as I believe my family may be residents in your park. I am 6ft tall and fair-headed with a cheeky face and slightly squewiff. Does this sound familiar? Do you have any animals fitting this description? If so, I am certainly on the right path. I am very excited about leaving this office job and finally being reunited with my fellow creatures of the wild. Is there space for me in the park? I quite like to run around and I drink a lot of water too. Apart from this I have few demands. I like to read but only books about animals like the ones by Gerald Durrell. He is dead now but did he live in the park when he was alive? Perhaps he was my father. I am coming to see you to find out the truth! Please let me know when would be a good time to come and what sort of clothes, if any, I should bring.

Many thanks,

Gerry

Land, ho!

Dear Queen Elizabeth 2,

I heard that you were retiring at the end of this year to become a floating hotel in Dubai. Congratulations, a very sensible move I will definitely come and stay on you. I have not had the chance to go on one of your cruises because I heard about all the ships that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle and got scared. Do you have any friends that have gone missing? Do you miss them? I would. Did you know it was also called the Devil's triangle? Do you believe in the Devil? Can you believe in the Devil if you don't believe in God? If God had a triangle, do you think it would it be scalene? Probably equilateral, I'd say. Where would it be? Probably around the Channel Islands. Have you ever been to the Channel Islands? That is a stupid question. I bet you have been everywhere, in your time, on your travels. You have had such a blessed and happy life! Please don't go to the Bermuda Triangle! Woe betide you if you do. Do you like that expression? Nice expressions won't save you from the Devil. Repent! Save your souls, SOS! Walk the plank but first take it out of your own eye!

Best wishes,


Gerry

P.s I was at a ship party on the weekend in Battersea (a ship party as I am sure you know already is a party where all the people dress up as a ship, not to be confused with a boat party which is a party set on a boat and I dressed up as a roll-on/roll-off ship and came second, the winner was Michael Barrymore who went as the Mayflower even though she was dismantled years ago and he wasn't even invited the fat bitch).

Chapter 3 continued

For some reason you are shy and reserved but prone to random bouts of outlandish exhibitionism. Remember that time in the shopping centre when you pretended to be James Bond and jumped into the sports car that was the prize in a raffle? I doubt anyone ever wins those cars (it is a con I have a suspicion to make money out of people who think it would be nice to have a car that can go over 100 miles an hour when you are not allowed to. Imagine being an ostrich in a tiny chicken pen surrounded by hundreds of chickens - that is you in your sports car stuck in everyday traffic. I think it is funny when people say: I was stuck in traffic, it was a nightmare! I can think of worse things more befitting of a nightmare than being stuck in traffic and I am sure you can too. A lot of people don’t really think about what they’re saying I guess is the point. Anyway, you tried to drive the car away but there were no keys and then the security guard asked you to get out and you said in the style of George Lazenby “don’t you know who I am?” And the guard said no and so the game was up and you got out. Afterwards I said you should have done your Sean Connery voice (way more recognisable) but that is you all over. That was a crazy time and by no means anomalous.

A sauce of revolt

The Carbonara was a brotherhood created for the purpose of overthrowing the Italian government. The brotherhood covered themselves in cream, bacon and Parmesan cheese so the government wouldn't notice what they were up to.

chapter 3 - Soupe du Jour

Back to the story, you wake up in the morning on the floor in your living room. You feel like crap. An idea occurs to you: Cover the ice caps in salt to stop climate change and save the planet! You reckon this is genius but you head hurts so bad, you cannot think it through.

Despite feeling like crap and being on the floor in your living room on this particular and fateful morning, you are a handsome chap in a classical young Jimmy Stewart type way, like when he called himself Mr Smith and went all the way to Washington to fight for what he believed in. You are going to do that in this story but in your own modest and less dramatic way. You think if you ever get round to having a baby you would quite like to call it Jefferson, after Jimmy’s character of course, not the American psychedelic rock band although Surrealistic Pillow is one of your favourite records of all time. First, however, you need to find a wife; and this is partly what your story is about. You heard a joke when you were in Amsterdam with your best friends from school on a quasi journey of lopsided hedonistic self discovery: My mother in law can’t have children. As jokes go, it is not a very good one but there is something about it that appeals all the same.

Hoover my dead body

Dear Hoover,

I was browsing on your website and I read that your mission is to "create products designed to make your life easier, wherever you are in the home". This is genius! Outside of the home, your products suck and make people's lives hell!

Last Tuesday I tried to take my washing machine to Regent's park and let me tell you it did not make my life easier at all, quite the opposite in fact. A real pain in the behind it was trying to lug it all the way onto the top deck of the 159, not to mention the funny looks from my befuddled fellow passengers. Then when I finally made it to the park there was nowhere to plug the wretched machine in. What an ordeal! I wanted to take my washing machine on the boating lake but the moron with the hat on said no. Crumbs!

I am so pleased that you have thought of all these things and woven them neatly into your company ethos.

Kind regards,

Gerry

P.S I am quite interested in becoming President of the Hoover Foundation please can I come in for an interview anytime really is good for me?

P.P.S I never heard a homeless person complain that his floor needed a hoover so you must be doing something right!

Cogito Ergonomics

Dear Ergonomics Society,

As an avid fan of ergonomics and human factors engineering in particular, I feel it is my duty (and overwhelming desire) to write to you and introduce myself. I am not, contrary to popular belief, a professional ergonomist, but as a certified human being I am more than qualified to have an opinion on the scientific discipline of all matters relating to human needs and so on. And I do. I understand that your society is the professional body reserved strictly for ergonomists but would you willing to make an exception for me? If you make me a member of your society, you will not regret it I can assure you and I will share with you all my ideas on how to improve ergonomics, take it to the next level as they say, and bring it to a wider, more mainstream audience. The future of ergonomics is bright indeed but only in the right hands and those hands just happen to be the very ones typing this email to you now. How about that for a coincidence? Incidentally, what do ergonomists think about coincidences? (I am duly sceptical, more on my theory once I am officially signed up.)

I look forward to hearing from you and hopefully receiving my membership badge in the post soon.
Kind regards,
Gerry
P.s did you hear the one about the boy at school who wasn’t very good at ergonomics and got bullied because he didn’t fit in?

Travelin' Light

Dear Red Devil Storage,
First of all may I say congratulations on your fantastic slogan ("the spare room on your doorstep") and I say this not just because I live in Kennington, South London (so you are almost literally on my doorstep, or vicer versa!) but also because I have always felt when overwhelmed by a lack of space (if it's possible to be overwhelmed with a lack of something) that a spare room on my doorstep is just what is required (even though I live on the second floor so don't technically have a door step, just a mat).

Now down to business: the reason I am writing today is to because I am soon to embark on a round-the-world trip circumnavigating the globe (btw I am going east first of all to Holland and then on to Russia and Mexico before coming back via Cape Town where I have friend with an ostrich farm and then stopping off in Canada to see the infamous Sasquatch!) and as I intend to take my bicycle (Josephine, electric blue) I will need to travel light and not burden myself too much with things like a grammarphone and tea cosy. I am therefore looking for a place to keep all my personal belongings (I have something in the region of 40 in total and this includes a sofa which is in 2 parts). How much will it cost to keep 40 belongings including a 2 part sofa in your storage space in Kennington for 80 days?

Thank you for you assistance and bon voyage!

Gerry
(Kennington, although not for much longer!)

Denmark my words

Dear Denmark,
I am writing to make enquiries about visiting the country of Denmark (you) this summer (June 20 – September 20 2008). Summer is my favourite of the temperate seasons and I have been fascinated in Denmark since meeting the goalkeeper (Peter S Michael) of my favourite football team (Manchester United) at a charity field event in 1995 when I was only 8 and asking him for his autograph. His handwriting was great despite those big gloves he always wears!
Anyway, I have had a good look on your website and I have a lot of useful information now but I wanted to be sure of a few more things before I book my trip to Denmark as this will be my first time abroad without my brothers (Dominic and Julian).
(1) Is it possible to go to Aalberg and Copenhagen as I understand they are on different islands or is there a law about this sort of thing?
(2) I am very keen to visit the birthplace of Hans Christien Andersen, whereabouts is this and should I bring a present?
(3) Lastly, I will be coming by myself to explore the culture and history of Denmark at school we read Hamlet by William Shakespeare which is set in Denmark and it has a very sad ending but I hope the country is safer now than it used to be.
Many thanks for all your help and I look forward to my Danish holiday 2008!
Kind regards,

Gerry

Dear Mr. Howell,
Thank you for your message. I will answer your questions as listed:
(1) Of course you can go to both Aalborg and Copenhagen. It will take about 5½ hours by train to go from Aalborg to Copenhagen. Check out travel times at www.rejseplanen.dk.
(2) Hans Christian Andersen's birthplace is in Odense (the fourth largest city in Denmark). The city is actually on the way from Aalborg to Copenhagen so you can stop there before you go to Copenhagen. You do not need to bring a present, but I think you can donate some money to the museum if you like.
(3) I can assure you that the country is really safe these days. As you probably know Shakespeare wrote the play 400 years ago and he has actually never even been to Denmark, so the Denmark he describes is pure fiction.
I hope you will find this information useful to you but please do not hesitate to write back to us if you have any further questions.
Best regards.
Karen Hansen
Trainee - Conference & Incentive Travel

Trance would be a fine thing

Dear College of Psychic studies,

I would very much like to be considered for a place on your advanced trance course. Actually, I think I would be better suited to a teaching role. If life has taught me anything, it's that I am much better at teaching than learning! I have been a big fan of trance ever since I went to a rave organised by my brother's girlfriend, Ode, in Eltham Palace (Henry VIII's old house). My brother was the DJ and it was mostly uplifting trance that was played but some classic trance too and I enjoyed both very much and then flew home.

I did some research in a book and found out that trance music was not invented when Henry VIII was alive, but if it had been then he certainly would have liked it and that is why my brother played mostly trance. Have you ever been to Eltham Palace, it is well worth a visit and there is a bridge over a dry moat too which is great for people who like moats but cannot swim?

Back to trance, the reason I want to teach it is this:

Apparently my great great grandfather was privy to the secret of the universe but then he was run over by a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig and died. I would like to contact him on the other side and find out his secret. If you give me a place on your course, I will share the secret with you and our students and together we can take over the world.

I look forward to being inaugurated as Senior Trance tutor soon.

Kind regards,

Gerry

La Amstrad

Dear Amstrad,

First of all, congrutuations on your key role in the abolition of slavery. Go you Schooners!
Secondly, I heard about Sir Alan Sugar retiring as Chairman of your company and thought to myself, "If I don't get the Microsoft job, why not?"

As soon as I know, I shall let you know, when/if I can start work.

Yours sincerely,

Gerry

My giddy aunt

Dear Hypnotherapy Association,

I hope you don't mind me writing to you like this, I feel compelled to contact you in the light of what has happened to my aunt from Bath.

My aunt was in an incident over a week ago now and although she has not recovered, she is still very traumatised and confused. My aunt went on a cruise to Norway with my her husband (my uncle, by marriage) and had a wonderful time, dancing and playing strip poker and then something terrible happened. My aunt had one or two too many sherries and passed out on the crazy golf course. When she awoke the next morning with her head juxtaposed with a mini castle, she became convinced she was a giant and has been acting like one ever since. On top of this, she had great difficulty leaving the ship and has now developed a mild form of what is known as "mal de debarquement syndrome". This causes her great distress as she is convinced that she is a giant who is "all at sea".

My father (my aunt's brother) and my uncle have tried everything (including constructing an enormous trampoline) but to no avail. They have not tried hynotherapy as my giddy aunt is afraid of losing control of her mind (ironically, we fear it is too late for that!) but they have not given up hope of having Jackie (my aunt) return to her old steady, normal-sized self.

Yours faithfully,

Gerry
(concerned and slightly mystified nephew)

Chairman Howell

Dear Microsoft,

I heard about Bill Gates retiring as your Chairman and said to myself "Why not?" You need a new chairman and I'm a man who loves chairs. I have lots at home, sometimes i play musical chairs with my deaf grandma. You may think this is unfair but she is in a wheelchair so it evens out. I also know a thing or two about computers. For example, a computer is not just for Christmas. In fact, a computer is really not for Christmas at all. Christmas for me is all about taking stock and being at one with oneself and some other people too. Like brothers and sisters and evil dictators from Africa. Difficult I know but it was possible to stop fighting during the first world war for a truce and a game of football so why can't we all try and put aside our differences for one day and a mince pie and resume the rape and pillage in the morning? Unless it's a bank holiday. Secondly, computers are useful but only because we've let them become so. For example, if you went back in time and took your laptop with you, say, to the dinosaur period, you wouldn't have much need for your computer and soon the battery would run out and you wouldn't be able to re-charge it. So there.

I would really like to be chairman of Microsoft. I have a friend who works in PC world and he say's you get training when you start a job so I think I would be fine.

I look forward to telling you all what to do really soon.

Many thanks,

Gerry

p.s please give me this job, when i was at school i made a bet with the devil that one day i'd be boss of computer company and if i lose the bet, then he will make me tory, like him.

Play time

Dear Samuel Beckett Estate,

I am writing to you today in order to apply for the rights to the Samuel Beckett play, "Happy Days". This is because, as good as the play is (and it is), it could be a lot better. All you need to do is rewrite the play and make it more like the American 70's TV show, "Happy Days". Needless to say, I am just the man for the job.

Once you have granted me permission to rewrite Mr Beckett's play, here is a taste of what I intend to do:

ACT 1 SCENE 1. THE FONZ IS STUCK IN A MOUND UP TO HIS WAIST. HE COMBS HIS HAIR. SILENCE. THERE IS A JUKEBOX TO ONE SIDE. HE BANGS IT AND IT STARTS PLAYING ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK BY BILL HALEY & THE COMETS. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE TIME. THE MUSIC STOPS. SILENCE AGAIN. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE SILENCE.

FONZ: How time flies when one is stuck in a mound up to one's waist! (PAUSE) A waist of time, if you will! If you won't then I certainly will! (FONZ COMBS HIS HAIR AGAIN.) SILENCE. BLACK OUT. END OF ACT 1.


ACT 2 SCENE 1. THE FONZ IS STUCK IN A MOUND UP TO HIS NECK.

FONZ: Look at this mound. I'm up to my neck in it. (HE TRIES TO HIT THE JUKE BOX WITH HIS HEAD. HE CANNOT. HE TRIES TO COMB HIS HAIR. HE CANNOT. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE FAILURE.)

FONZ: Oh, well, life goes on. Hey!

SILENCE. BLACKOUT. THIS SIGNALS THE END OF THE PLAY. THE END.

I'm sure you'll agree that this new and improved version of the play is most definitely new and improved. Mr Beckett would be ever so grateful to me, so I expect you to grant me the rights ASAP and then I can begin my world tour before Henry Winkler dies.

Yours sincerely,

Gerry Howell

A really cool museum

Dear Museum of the Rockies,

I would very much like to work for you in the capacity of Director of Paleontology and/or Artist in residence. I understand that you have no vacancies at the moment but when you hear what I have to offer, then I am sure you will be able to fit me in:

(1) The other day I exhumed a really big egg from my back garden and decided that it belonged to a new kind of dinosaur which hadn't been named yet. I called it Gerryosaurus.
(2) The very next day I did a really good painting of Gerryosaurus and called it Gerryosaurus.

This is my experience so far and I intend to build on it at the Museum of the Rockies. Perhaps if you don't have any room for new staff, I could share an office with your current Curator of Paleontology, John "Jack" Horner, I expect he spends most of his time away from the middle of the room thus leaving it free for me.

Yours truly,

Gerry

Croquet Monsieur

Dear Croquet Association,

Recently I have been having the strangest dreams!
Sometimes I am asleep when I have these dreams and sometimes I am awake and sometimes I find it is very difficult to tell the difference. Why am I telling you this you may be wondering? Well, the reason I am writing to you is two-fold.

One: in my dreams I am competing in a croquet tournament in Belsize Park with a man called Bernard (Bernard Neal perhaps, the Croquet Association President?)
Two: I have never played croquet in my real life before but I think I would be very good at it (if my performance against Bernard is anything to go by) and would therefore like to apply for a place in your next tournament.

I understand this may seem like a strange request but I have consulted a friend of mine who is an expert in dream analysis, (he works at PC World but has read many books including The Interpretation of Dreams by Sigmund Freud and Around the World in 80 days by Vernon Kay) and he has said I even have a chance of winning the tournament!

I have read on your website that non-members are allowed to play in one tournament before they must become members? If I win the tournament, I should be delighted to become President of your association however if I lose I will never play croquet again I promise.

Yours faithfully,

Gerry

A cat too far

Dear Yasawa Islands,

I am very interested in coming to see you for my annual holiday this year in July. I have looked on your website and it looks positively paradaisical. I understand that until 1987, it was forbidden for outsiders to step onto the dry land of the islands. I am pleased that this rule has been changed by the island rulers although to be honest I love ships so much and I am feel so at home at sea that I wouldn't have minded too much about having to stay on board (I am not in the Navy but I do have an affinity with water, that's for sure.)

My question before I book my holiday is can I bring my cat as my wife has just left me?

Many thanks for your help.

Best wishes,

Gerry Howell



Dear Gerry,

Thank you for your email.

Unfortunately we are unable to accept cats in our island.
Our governments quarantine department is quite stringent on bringing in animals from abroad.
However, if you still want to visit us minus your cat then please do let us know your intended dates of stay at Yasawa and then will come back to you with our availability and rates.
Thanks very much for your interest in our island paradise.

Kind regards,

Wise.


Dear Wise,

Thank you for your helpful reply to my question. I am still very keen to visit, would it be possible to bring a mouse instead?

Many thanks,

Gerry (my cat has just left me)

Dear Gerry,

Sorry we do not not allow animals into our island resort.

Thanks,

Wise.

Post post

Dear Royal Mail,

Forgive me for emailing and not writing a letter, it is grotesque I know but I never said I was an epistolarian. That was a rumour started by James McAvoy (not the James McAvoy, a different one but very similar hair) at school when I got a pen for my birthday.

Actually, I would quite like to be an epistolarian, however I do not have enough time I am very busy collecting stamps and applying for jobs at the moment which brings me to my business for today:

I would very much like to work for Royal Mail as I love post and I am a passionate and devoted monarchist. (Freddie Mercury rocks!)

Seriously though in an ideal world, I would like to be king of england and deliver everybody's mail personally and occasionally stop and have tea with the recipients, my people. Even homeless people who cannot receive mail as they have no letter box or address or friends would not be overlooked, I would stop by them on my route and do a high-five.

I would make an excellent Royal mail employee, although I do not have a CV at the moment as I am allergic to paper.

I look forward to working with you soon,

Yours sincerely,

Gerry

A job for life

Dear British Institute of Funeral Directors,

I have been thinking about becoming a funeral director ever since my cat died and I organised a funeral for him which went really well and people came from the village and remarked how professional I looked dressed up in black and white (someone even said I looked a bit like Postman Pat's cat - how appropriate!).

This was many years ago but the feeling of making something nice out of death has never left me. As a child, I was obsessed with death and the fact that our lives are deeply rooted in existential incongruity, being as we are conscious beings and knowing that we are all going to die. I am not obsessed anymore but I still suffer extreme death anxiety at least once a week. This takes the form of hiding in a cupboard or trying to kill an insurance salesman by singing acapella (Gregorian chant or barbershop). With my keen interest in death, and very limited life experience, I feel I would make an excellent funeral director.

Please could you send me an application form so I can begin directing funerals as soon as possible?

Many thanks,

Gerry Jobsworth

P.s life's a journey, death the ultimate pitstop.

Reasons

The world is weird enough and I wish people would leave things alone; they are as they are for a reason even if you cannot see what that reason is. I am writing this story just to see what happens. If I rewrite it, then it will be a different story. That is not the story I want to write. Not at the moment anyway. The writer on the radio also said, sometimes the story writes itself. I have noticed a few words that write themselves like the days of the week (thanks btw) but mostly my computer is not very good at guessing what I want to write (bedraggled cohorts of rowdy shrews drink too much sherry and burp acrimoniously) I didn’t necessarily want to write that but who was to know? Exactly, that’s what I’m talking about. Then you get a horrible green line under your words but the computer doesn’t get your style like your dad.

So

So you are Harold. Like King Harold, who is famous for losing a battle a long time ago. Most people are famous for winning something like a cup or going to the moon or these days just being really well known without doing anything - but not King Harold. He got an arrow in his eye or maybe it was his nose or throat; nobody really knows but historians speculate and say wherever he got the arrow he died so it doesn’t make any difference. They also say what is the truth, how do you explain it to someone who doesn’t know what it is? I will try and unravel this conundrum in good time, right know all I know is that I don’t know any other Harolds; it is not a very common name and that is why I like it.

I heard on the radio a writer say anyone can write; if you write a page a day for a year in a year you will have written a novel. This sounds very clever but I am not so sure. 365 pages does not equal a novel, it can’t be that easy, a novel can be less than 365 pages but perhaps that is a novella. I am giving it a go anyway, just to see what happens. The writer also said writing is rewriting. This reminded me of what a very successful actress on the television said about acting; she said it was reacting. This confuses me. If acting is reacting then what is reacting? Do you see my point? She had met the Queen but that does not mean she knows what she’s talking about, does it? Look at Prince Philip. Also, people in the streets outside say things like Thursday is the new Friday and grey is the new black. I wouldn’t be surprised if Wales turned out to be the new Patagonia and Patricia Cornell the new cannelloni.

Chapter 2 - more soup

This is your story but I am writing it. This is my first attempt so bear with me and I will try and make it good, especially the first page because people will read that and decide very quickly if they want to read more. Fingers crossed, we are very nearly there. You can help me if you like; tell me what you want me to write and I will take all the credit. This makes me sound mean but the truth is that I am you and you are me and we are the same person so it is not mean. It is just a lot easier - life that is - when you pretend to be someone else. It sure takes the pressure off and people don’t have ideas about you and expect you to be a certain way, which sucks out loud, as my friend Jake from would say. That means it can be very stressful and get on your nerves. I may refer to Jake a lot in this story as he has been something of a beacon in my life despite his bad back but like I said, it is not his story: he is like the greenbelt (or wedge or Ekoparken if you are reading this in Swedish) in a story about a big sprawling Metropolis. It’s nice it’s there and I guess it serves a purpose but it’s not exactly the hub of excitement.

An introduction to phoenix soup

Hallo, are you sitting comfortably? You may not even be sitting. My friend Jake from Denmark put his back out just before Christmas and now he can’t sit down so he stands or lies a lot. I think he is all right, though, he’s one of those guys pretty comfortable regardless but this is not a story about Jake; this story is about you. That’s to say in the sense that it is written in the second person but that may change according to the mood I’m in.

Allow me to introduce you. You are Harold, Awkward Harold but your real name is Harlod Wakward. Your parents can’t spell, don’t ask me why - there are many things in this world I am not privy to, sorry about that, that’s just the way it is. I do know, however, that you are very excited because you have never been the hero of a story before. You are not eponymous, but you are still the hero. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You are not like Jake, you are sometimes very uncomfortable but that is because you care about stuff. Too much, too soon as they say.