Paula Abdul sighed into the wind like a gossamer gibbon caught in a wayward tailspin. She was doleful, and on the dole. Paula hadn't had a hit in years; she was broke, destitute and forlorn. She was thinking about going back to cheerleading but had recently developed pteronophobia, the fear of being tickled by feathers. It is a rare phobia indeed but a serious one. Paula was feeling very fragile, she could literally have been knocked down by Vic Feather, General Secretary of the Trade Union Congress in Great Britain from 1969 to 1973. But luckily for Paula, Vic had been dead since 1976.
Or had he?
Yes, he had.
It all started when Paula married sportswear designer Brad Beckerman back in 1996. He had turned up for the wedding dressed as a chicken. "What do you think you're doing?" asked Paula, agog at the altar.
"I wanted to surprise you", said Brad.
"But you know I hate plumage," said Paula.
"But opposites attract" said Brad, cleverly referencing one of Paula's best known songs.
The couple were happy for two years but the marriage ended in 1998 when Paula caught Brad in bed with Emilio Estevez, Paula's previous husband. "What do you think you're doing?" asked Paula, agog at the foot of the bed.
"I wanted to surprise you," said Brad.
"But you know I hate surprises, and infidelity and Emilio Estevez too."
"But it's all about feeling good" said Brad, cleverly referencing another of Paula's best known songs.
"Not this time" said Paula. "I want a divorce".
"You already had one," said Emilio.
"I'm not talking to you" said Paula.
"But my love is for real" said Brad."Straight up".
"Then what are you doing in bed with my x-husband?"
"Having sex", said Emilio.
"I'm not talking to you" said Paula.
"I just wanted to see what it was like. Doing it with the star of the Mighty Ducks." said Brad.
"But you know I hate ducks." said Paula.
And that is how Paula ended up with pteronophobia. "Oh well," said Paula, " at least I am not a bird, then I'd be afraid of my own body and well and truly screwed."
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