Post post

Dear Royal Mail,

Forgive me for emailing and not writing a letter, it is grotesque I know but I never said I was an epistolarian. That was a rumour started by James McAvoy (not the James McAvoy, a different one but very similar hair) at school when I got a pen for my birthday.

Actually, I would quite like to be an epistolarian, however I do not have enough time I am very busy collecting stamps and applying for jobs at the moment which brings me to my business for today:

I would very much like to work for Royal Mail as I love post and I am a passionate and devoted monarchist. (Freddie Mercury rocks!)

Seriously though in an ideal world, I would like to be king of england and deliver everybody's mail personally and occasionally stop and have tea with the recipients, my people. Even homeless people who cannot receive mail as they have no letter box or address or friends would not be overlooked, I would stop by them on my route and do a high-five.

I would make an excellent Royal mail employee, although I do not have a CV at the moment as I am allergic to paper.

I look forward to working with you soon,

Yours sincerely,

Gerry