I went to the library today. In fact I went yesterday too, and the day before that. I've been to the library every day this week and every time I'm there the librarian tells me that my membership has expired and I need to bring in some proof of address to show I'm still entitled to belong to the library. This is not a problem but I have forgotten to take any proof every time so far. Now the lady won't issue me any books until I bring in my proof of address. I assured her on my last visit that I hadn't moved, she said that wasn't the point. Now I'm paranoid she thinks I have moved but I love that library so much that I don't want to leave and join another one. I haven't moved I said, I hope you don't think that I've moved but I love this library so much that I can't bear to be separated from it. There's nothing special about this library, I'd happily join another one. As I said this, the lady's chin began to wobble. No, I didn't mean it like that I protested. I love this library, it's very special, not least on account of its proximity to my house and I love the selection of books you have here and postcards of pre-war Kennington and even those books for sale on the trolley as you come in, biographies of rugby players and those trashy romantic pseudo novels - pieces of trash you're trying to sell, these are books that people won't rent out for free, what makes you think that people are going to pay money for them to suffer the embarrassment of keeping them in their homes potentially forever? The lady's glasses began to steam up. No, no don't get me wrong I love these books, yes and to prove it I'm going to buy one, can I buy one? Presmuably I don't need to be a member in order to buy a book - I mean I don't need to join Waterstones to buy something from there. Oh yes, but I just can't decide between The Doctor's Special Touch and Bulletproof Hearts. OK, I'll take them both. There you go.
But I still need to see some proof of I.D the next time you come in.
But I haven't moved I tell you! If I have moved (which I haven't), then I've moved a minimal distance so I'm still well within the catchment area so as far as your concerned I haven't moved at all. I may have moved across the street for example except I haven't or possibly next door but I can't have moved next door as the couple next door haven't moved out so if I have moved next door then I've moved in with the couple, but I would never do that. He's an angry shouty man who smokes a lot of marijuana and she's a whiny idiot. Well, let's just say the lift doesn't exactly go all the way to the top floor. She lives on the second floor so perhaps not such an idiot after all but twice she's asked me to break her door down as she's lost her keys. The other day the police came round because the angry shouty man was angry and shouting at his idiot girlfriend. I listened to the whole scene through my door. What's the trouble? said the policeman. No trouble said the man. We had reports of shouting and possible violence, said the policeman.
No, no we just had a little argument that's all, no trouble. What was the argument about?
Nothing really, my girlfriend thinks an octopus is a fish that's all. Don't worry, she's an idiot, I told her off that's all.
Then the police detected the smoke in the flat.
You been smoking in there? asked the policeman.
No, no just smoking a little spliff, nothing major said the man.
You understand it's against the law.
No, just having a smoke in my own home, not causing any trouble Officer.
It's actually a criminal offence to smoke, even in your home.
In the privacy of my home Officer, don't worry about anything, just a little argument with my girlfriend, you see she thinks octopus is a fish but I corrected here not a problem.
Look if we have to come back again we're going to take you down to the station do you understand?
The man doesn't understand that his flat is not a sovereign city state independent from the rest of the country and as such is subject to the same laws as the rest of the land and the lady is so stupid she doesn't know what an octopus is and she even put her address on her house keys in case she loses them!
Well if she doesn't lose them, at least she''ll have proof of her address.
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