Vaticanations?

A Catholic school has banned vaccinations for cervical cancer from its premises and also too much caffeine can be bad for you. One can of Red Bull may encourage young girls to be promiscuous and Catholicism can cause panic attacks and nausea.
The Chief Medical Officer at the Department of Health made the following statement during his fag (cigarette) break: "I was raised a Catholic and I am fine, but then again, I can't go too near taffeta or I start to melt."
A spokesman for the Vatican made the following statement during his fag (?) break: "I was raised by wolves and now I am fine. Boys will be boys, although some will be priests like me but girls will never be priests, unless they drink too much caffeine in which case anything can happen. I have to go now, I can hear howling."

Love's Labour's going to lose

Today Gordon Brown was introduced to and then by his wife in Manchester! He wore a suit and made a speech befitting any self-respecting Prime Minister worth his salt in weight.

Mr Brown said he would improve Britain for young people and old people, brazenly implying that he would charge middle-aged people an extra $10 a head for ham and DVDs. Now, I'm no madcap Tory bean but there is simply no justification for this. Whatever next?! Hidden taxes on facial expressions? Smile? I nearly played the blues.

Mr Brown also admitted he had made mistakes in his time. It is common knowledge that he beeped when he should have bopped but do we all know that he once got his laundry mixed up with a famous Danish football player and as a result Denmark lost a match they really should have won although they were impeccably turned out?

Gordon's wife, Sarah, is quoted as saying, "Gordon Bleu! That's all I can say..."

Funny money

One in 50 pound coins could be fake according to a Royal Mint. This startling revelation has sparked widespread speculation over what else could be fake. A spokesman said, "I'm fake too, don't believe a word I say about anything, including potholes."

An old lady with a nose for counterfeitery believes she saw a fake bus today and refused to get on it. "I saw it coming a mile off", she said. "It looked just like a real bus but when it got closer, I could tell there was something not quite right about it. Then when the door opened and I looked inside, my hunch was confirmed: the driver was fake as well. In the end, I walked for over 6 hours to the post office, but I'd sooner do that than be seen dead on a fake bus."

How to spot a fake coin:

Check the Queen's head.

How to spot a fake Queen:

Check her husband, if he is grinning inanely whilst being mildly xenophobic, she is probably real.

Big news little news

Mynydd Graig Goch in Snowdonia is now a mountain! It was a hill but now it is a mountain. It turns out it is a little bit bigger than it was (first thought). Rather like my Antipodean uncle Louis Derriere. For years we thought he was a dwarf. But one day he trod on a jelly fish and suddenly stood up straight. He was spontaneously measured by more than 7,000 satellites and the Ordnance Survey deemed him a man.

Elf esteem

Today we ask our elves the question: when are you going to grow up?

Camberwell I never

Suppose yourself to be invisible? Take a long, hard look in the mirror. If you have no reflection, you are probably suffering from a vitamin D deficiency and you could do with a holiday in the sun. Why not try Camber sands, or if you don't like rocks however broken down, then maybe Camberwell is more up your street. If you live in Denmark Hill, then it really will be.
There is plenty of wildlife and vegetation to see in Camberwell: the weever fish lives on the lush, verdant, green, Camberwell Green. When the 176 bus goes past, it buries itself in the earth. It has a ridge of sharp spikes across its back. If you tread on one when whistling, the spikes will give you a nasty sting. If you do get stung, you will need to stop whistling immediately and eat a dime bar.

There are currently no vacancies at the Camberwell Maritime and Coastguard Agency.

God knows

Controversy abounds. Should creationism be taught in schools? Or should it be taught in the woods? Is the Pope a fan of Genesis? Peter Gabriel or Angel Gabriel? Have you ever tried to prove the existence of God using a complex rope and pulley system, some watercress and a series of light emitting diodes? And who was gutted they missed the start of the Lib Deb Party Conference because it started a day early?

Some people say that creationism should be regarded as a valid alternative to the theory of evolution. For those of you not familiar with either concept, here is a brief overview.

Creationism is the belief that the world started a few hundred years ago when a wizard called Godfrey sneezed. According to evolutionary theory, the world is much older than that but keeps itself in good shape by working out 3 times a week and drinking lots of green tea. The beginning of the world was an accident but insurance didn't exist so we just had to get on with it.

Was Jesus good at science? A question that has baffled leading theologians and pre-eminent sciencists for weeks. The answer is he was an average student, he opted for double science and got 2 Bs. He was much more interested in girls and sport, normally at the same time.

One in two parents will have 'em

A recent survey has revealed that one in six mothers has a favourite child. Quite often that child is not their own. It is the child next door or sometimes an imaginary child who lives happily in the mind of the mother, quiet, obedient and good at jenga. Ten mothers out of six have never taken their children to Disneyland and amazingly, one in two mothers has never touched a gibbon with a ladle.

The survey also revealed that quite a few fathers have feathers. These can help keep the child warm when the mother is busy gathering supplies in Primark. Most fathers stated that they love all their children equally and in the same way but one father from Kettering admitted that he loved his oldest child unconditionally, whereas his daughter he loved in the subjunctive.

Some parents' experiences are less conventional:

"I couldn't help it," explained Jim, a part-time welder and bird impersonator from many different places, "I always wanted a son, but my wife kept giving me daughters. In the end, we had 57 daughters, 14 dogs, 3 penguins and no sons so I used my skills and welded a son together out of steel, brass, and a bit of polyester. Now we're the perfect family and our son is thriving at school, he's really attentive and is excellent at forming bonds with the other kids."

Hilary Capillary, a fully fledged and devoted mother and founder of a website for parents, says that having a favourite child can cause intense feelings of shame and guilt. She suggests that the best way to overcome these feelings is to not have any children at all. "At first I have found that as a mother, it was difficult for me not to have any children but I attended an evening class with some other like-minded women and we smoked a lot of skunk and now I love all the children I don't have the same. I recommend Northern Lights but if you can't get hold of that, then regular skunk will do."

Your parents' footsteps

If you had a different father, would you have the same shoes? This is just one of the great metaphysical conundrums of our time. Presumably you would have one shoe the same (the one on your mother's side) and the other shoe would be different. How different would depend how different your father is, for example does he like to eat wood whilst at the same time being morally opposed to furniture? If you find yourself with completely different shoes, you'd do well to question the validity of both your parents and check that your laces haven't been tied together. If you have no shoes at all, do not panic, there is a good chance you are wearing a nice pair of socks. Your parents' union is crucial to your existence, therefore you should be grateful for their romantic endeavours and you should give them a present on your birthday or, better still, on the day of your conception. Presents can include a copy of the Dream Warriors classic hip-hop album "and now the legacy begins", a season ticket to West Bromwich Albion or a free leaflet about obstructive sleep apnea.

Snap election

Gordon Brown is a massive crocodile from Scotland. Estimated to be at least 6 metres (20 ft) in length and weighing around 1 ton he is the largest crocodile ever seen in Downing Street. Based on his size, Gordon Brown is estimated to be about 50 years old. He is also the current chief necromancer of England, a small floaty island where human beans and children live in harmony and houses. Gordon Brown is a firm believer in oldy worldy labour values and a notorious man-eater. Gordon Brown is sometimes critized in the media for being a dour-face and not smiling but he is simply trying not to scare people with his giant gnashers. Gordon Brown is a keen swimmer and was most recently sighted in January in the Serpentine lake in Hyde Park where he was having a picnic with Ed Balls, a large, mostly plant-eating mammal also with big teeth.

Call me

They call me John Terry
They call me Fred Perry
They call me Perry Mason
They call me Grayson Perry
They call me Larry Grayson
They call me Gary Larson
That's not my name
my name is Gerry

Heathcliff, it's me - Gerry!
Come home, I've got whiskers
Let me in through a -
your cat flap




dedicated to the late Hortense Schneider, French soprano and reputed lover of King Edward VII and fried elephant ears.

Allez Croydon!

Dear Croydon, I was delighted to hear on the news that the french President intends to move Croydon to Paris. I have been to Paris before and it was nice but i do remember saying to myself "if only it could be a bit more like Croydon". I am a big fan of supremely gorgeous with dodgy moustache singer PETER SARSTEDT and in particular his famous song, "Where do you go to (my lovely)?" In the song, he says that you live in a fancy apartment off the Boulevard Saint-Michel, which is a place in Paris. This may well be true but the fact is we all know that Peter now lives very happily with his wife (Jill, GSOH RSVP) in Croydon, which is you. I am CONVINCED that Mr Sarkozy was listening to this song when he was making his plans for a new, improved Paris. It is surely not a coincidence. What do you think about this and good luck with your exciting gallic move!

Cher Paris,

Mon Dieu, je reve debout! C'est pas possible, have you ever actually been to Croydon?

Reality schism (Realism)

Today we ask ourselves the question: what makes us who we are and who is more real, actor Ian Smith or fictional character Harold Bishop?

In terms of pyschology, there are 3 factors to be considered when determining personality.

(1) do you have 2, 4 or 8 legs?

(b) do you play the banjo or does the banjo play you?

(iii) do you respond well to stimuli ( e.g Sha the rapper from Brooklyn)?

In a clever test of vraisemblance, Harold Bishop scored 99%, whereas the actor who plays him, Ian Smith, scored a measly 14%. It seems that Harold is considerably more real than Ian, although not necessarily more realistic. In the test we asked both participants to bake a cake, complete an assault course dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte, and deliver some mail in a manner evoking an air of magic realism. The results go to show that both Harold and Ian are crap at baking, but at least Harold has a clearly defined set of characteristics. Shame on you, Ian.

And finally...

Broccoli, a member of the brassica family along with cauliflower and turnips, is through to the final of the US Open and will face defending champion, Roger Federer. Federer has said he is quite nervous about playing Broccoli as it is unpredictable and very fast around the court. Broccoli has not reached a Grand Slam final before now but did really well at school, particularly in home economics.

A recent study has revealed that Andy Murray is really good for you and may help prevent cancer. Murray goes well with lemon juice and can be added to a soup. Murray likes to be kept in a fridge and eaten within 2 days.

In other news, Chris "Northern" Rock has announced a record loss of £585m and made 1,300 staff redundant. In a statement, he said "Αθλιες χαρακτηρίζει ο ομογενής συγγραφέας και δημοσιογράφος Χάρης Νικολαϊδης τις συνθήκες που επικρατούν στο κρατητήριό του, στην [...] mum, let go of my pizza you don't know who you're messing with."

Large Hadron Collider with chips

The world's most powerful physics experiment (Large Hadron Collider) will on Wednesday re-create the conditions after the Big Bang in an attempt to answer fundamental questions of science and the universe itself. Here are the questions in case you were wondering:

(1) How did the earth begin and what was the intro music?
(2) How come there is something as opposed to nothing and why is Jeremy Clarkson so successful?
(3) Is there a God and does he cut his own hair?


And here are the answers in case you can't wait until Wednesday.
(1) The earth began an E please Bob and the music was "You give love a bad name" by Bon Jovi
(2) There is something because nothing is nothing so nothing is something too and Jeremy Clarkson is a good example of anti matter.
(3) There may be a God; if there is one, he is bald, if there isn't then yes and he has an NVQ level 3 in barbering.

Some people are concerned that the experiment will create a black hole at the centre of the earth and cause it to implode. This is unlikely. Others are concerned that the Pacific Ocean will turn to custard. This will almost certainly happen.

My mother and other animals

Dear Africa,

I am very keen to go to Africa as my mother is from there and although I have her legs, I have never been there myself. My mother was born in Nakuru and grew up near the lake, befriending many animals, baboons and flamingos alike. One time, when she was a teenager, her glands swelled up and she was mistaken for one of the Big Five and nearly put in a zoo. Luckily she managed to zigzag her way back to the house and pretend to be a lamp post. My mother has some crazy stories like that I can tell you. Now she lives in Kent, England, and still has a very close relationship with the wildlife, such as butterflies and squirrels. She claims she can talk to them but butterflies are pompous and squirrels are racist so she doesn't bother most of the time. I would like to arrange a surprise trip back to Kenya for my mother so I need some info but on the sly. Is it possible to stay on the lake and does it cater for vegeterians?

Many thanks for your help,
Gerry
P.S When is a rhino not a rhino?

London ambivalence

Dear London, Ontario,

I am writing to you today from London, England. I am sure you are aware that these two great cities have the same name but I wonder if they have more in common than first meets the eye. Does having the same name as London, England cause any confusion? I had the same name as a boy at school and once after P.E I put his clothes on and ended up going back to his home and eating chips and ice cream! The other boy went back to my house and was never seen again! I imagine some people have gone to London, Ontario thinking they were going to see the Queen and were a bit disappointed. Do you have any stories like this?
Many thanks,
Gerry

P.S In London England pastimes include apologizing, turning noses up and putting hags in the river. What do you like to do?

Luxembourg in a nutshell

Dear Grand Duchy of Luxembourg,

I am very keen to visit Luxembourg this autumn as part of my mini world tour 2008. As an amateur anthropomerist, my aim is to visit a selection of the smallest countries in the world and find out just what it is about them that makes them so small. I understand that Luxembourg is the sixth smallest country and that your head of state, Sir Henri the Grand Duke, is also one of the world's smallest leaders. This bodes very well for my research trip! I have found a lot of information about coming to your country on your website but I have a few more questions before I leave:

(1) What is the biggest size suitcase I can bring?

(2) Is the chairlift in Vianden open to people like me who have trouble sitting down?

(3) I would like to learn a few Luxembourg phrases so I can speak to the locals in their own language. I would like to be able to say:

(a) Hallo, my name is Gerry and I shall be honoured to dine with you in your castle.

(b) If it is not too much trouble, how many pants make a dozen?

(c) Thank you for your hospitality, I think I need to lie down now.

I hope you are able to help me with my questions and I look forward to booking my holiday soon.

Kind regards,

Gerry Howell