Chairman Howell

Dear Microsoft,

I heard about Bill Gates retiring as your Chairman and said to myself "Why not?" You need a new chairman and I'm a man who loves chairs. I have lots at home, sometimes i play musical chairs with my deaf grandma. You may think this is unfair but she is in a wheelchair so it evens out. I also know a thing or two about computers. For example, a computer is not just for Christmas. In fact, a computer is really not for Christmas at all. Christmas for me is all about taking stock and being at one with oneself and some other people too. Like brothers and sisters and evil dictators from Africa. Difficult I know but it was possible to stop fighting during the first world war for a truce and a game of football so why can't we all try and put aside our differences for one day and a mince pie and resume the rape and pillage in the morning? Unless it's a bank holiday. Secondly, computers are useful but only because we've let them become so. For example, if you went back in time and took your laptop with you, say, to the dinosaur period, you wouldn't have much need for your computer and soon the battery would run out and you wouldn't be able to re-charge it. So there.

I would really like to be chairman of Microsoft. I have a friend who works in PC world and he say's you get training when you start a job so I think I would be fine.

I look forward to telling you all what to do really soon.

Many thanks,

Gerry

p.s please give me this job, when i was at school i made a bet with the devil that one day i'd be boss of computer company and if i lose the bet, then he will make me tory, like him.

Play time

Dear Samuel Beckett Estate,

I am writing to you today in order to apply for the rights to the Samuel Beckett play, "Happy Days". This is because, as good as the play is (and it is), it could be a lot better. All you need to do is rewrite the play and make it more like the American 70's TV show, "Happy Days". Needless to say, I am just the man for the job.

Once you have granted me permission to rewrite Mr Beckett's play, here is a taste of what I intend to do:

ACT 1 SCENE 1. THE FONZ IS STUCK IN A MOUND UP TO HIS WAIST. HE COMBS HIS HAIR. SILENCE. THERE IS A JUKEBOX TO ONE SIDE. HE BANGS IT AND IT STARTS PLAYING ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK BY BILL HALEY & THE COMETS. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE TIME. THE MUSIC STOPS. SILENCE AGAIN. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE SILENCE.

FONZ: How time flies when one is stuck in a mound up to one's waist! (PAUSE) A waist of time, if you will! If you won't then I certainly will! (FONZ COMBS HIS HAIR AGAIN.) SILENCE. BLACK OUT. END OF ACT 1.


ACT 2 SCENE 1. THE FONZ IS STUCK IN A MOUND UP TO HIS NECK.

FONZ: Look at this mound. I'm up to my neck in it. (HE TRIES TO HIT THE JUKE BOX WITH HIS HEAD. HE CANNOT. HE TRIES TO COMB HIS HAIR. HE CANNOT. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE FAILURE.)

FONZ: Oh, well, life goes on. Hey!

SILENCE. BLACKOUT. THIS SIGNALS THE END OF THE PLAY. THE END.

I'm sure you'll agree that this new and improved version of the play is most definitely new and improved. Mr Beckett would be ever so grateful to me, so I expect you to grant me the rights ASAP and then I can begin my world tour before Henry Winkler dies.

Yours sincerely,

Gerry Howell

A really cool museum

Dear Museum of the Rockies,

I would very much like to work for you in the capacity of Director of Paleontology and/or Artist in residence. I understand that you have no vacancies at the moment but when you hear what I have to offer, then I am sure you will be able to fit me in:

(1) The other day I exhumed a really big egg from my back garden and decided that it belonged to a new kind of dinosaur which hadn't been named yet. I called it Gerryosaurus.
(2) The very next day I did a really good painting of Gerryosaurus and called it Gerryosaurus.

This is my experience so far and I intend to build on it at the Museum of the Rockies. Perhaps if you don't have any room for new staff, I could share an office with your current Curator of Paleontology, John "Jack" Horner, I expect he spends most of his time away from the middle of the room thus leaving it free for me.

Yours truly,

Gerry

Croquet Monsieur

Dear Croquet Association,

Recently I have been having the strangest dreams!
Sometimes I am asleep when I have these dreams and sometimes I am awake and sometimes I find it is very difficult to tell the difference. Why am I telling you this you may be wondering? Well, the reason I am writing to you is two-fold.

One: in my dreams I am competing in a croquet tournament in Belsize Park with a man called Bernard (Bernard Neal perhaps, the Croquet Association President?)
Two: I have never played croquet in my real life before but I think I would be very good at it (if my performance against Bernard is anything to go by) and would therefore like to apply for a place in your next tournament.

I understand this may seem like a strange request but I have consulted a friend of mine who is an expert in dream analysis, (he works at PC World but has read many books including The Interpretation of Dreams by Sigmund Freud and Around the World in 80 days by Vernon Kay) and he has said I even have a chance of winning the tournament!

I have read on your website that non-members are allowed to play in one tournament before they must become members? If I win the tournament, I should be delighted to become President of your association however if I lose I will never play croquet again I promise.

Yours faithfully,

Gerry

A cat too far

Dear Yasawa Islands,

I am very interested in coming to see you for my annual holiday this year in July. I have looked on your website and it looks positively paradaisical. I understand that until 1987, it was forbidden for outsiders to step onto the dry land of the islands. I am pleased that this rule has been changed by the island rulers although to be honest I love ships so much and I am feel so at home at sea that I wouldn't have minded too much about having to stay on board (I am not in the Navy but I do have an affinity with water, that's for sure.)

My question before I book my holiday is can I bring my cat as my wife has just left me?

Many thanks for your help.

Best wishes,

Gerry Howell



Dear Gerry,

Thank you for your email.

Unfortunately we are unable to accept cats in our island.
Our governments quarantine department is quite stringent on bringing in animals from abroad.
However, if you still want to visit us minus your cat then please do let us know your intended dates of stay at Yasawa and then will come back to you with our availability and rates.
Thanks very much for your interest in our island paradise.

Kind regards,

Wise.


Dear Wise,

Thank you for your helpful reply to my question. I am still very keen to visit, would it be possible to bring a mouse instead?

Many thanks,

Gerry (my cat has just left me)

Dear Gerry,

Sorry we do not not allow animals into our island resort.

Thanks,

Wise.

Post post

Dear Royal Mail,

Forgive me for emailing and not writing a letter, it is grotesque I know but I never said I was an epistolarian. That was a rumour started by James McAvoy (not the James McAvoy, a different one but very similar hair) at school when I got a pen for my birthday.

Actually, I would quite like to be an epistolarian, however I do not have enough time I am very busy collecting stamps and applying for jobs at the moment which brings me to my business for today:

I would very much like to work for Royal Mail as I love post and I am a passionate and devoted monarchist. (Freddie Mercury rocks!)

Seriously though in an ideal world, I would like to be king of england and deliver everybody's mail personally and occasionally stop and have tea with the recipients, my people. Even homeless people who cannot receive mail as they have no letter box or address or friends would not be overlooked, I would stop by them on my route and do a high-five.

I would make an excellent Royal mail employee, although I do not have a CV at the moment as I am allergic to paper.

I look forward to working with you soon,

Yours sincerely,

Gerry

A job for life

Dear British Institute of Funeral Directors,

I have been thinking about becoming a funeral director ever since my cat died and I organised a funeral for him which went really well and people came from the village and remarked how professional I looked dressed up in black and white (someone even said I looked a bit like Postman Pat's cat - how appropriate!).

This was many years ago but the feeling of making something nice out of death has never left me. As a child, I was obsessed with death and the fact that our lives are deeply rooted in existential incongruity, being as we are conscious beings and knowing that we are all going to die. I am not obsessed anymore but I still suffer extreme death anxiety at least once a week. This takes the form of hiding in a cupboard or trying to kill an insurance salesman by singing acapella (Gregorian chant or barbershop). With my keen interest in death, and very limited life experience, I feel I would make an excellent funeral director.

Please could you send me an application form so I can begin directing funerals as soon as possible?

Many thanks,

Gerry Jobsworth

P.s life's a journey, death the ultimate pitstop.

Reasons

The world is weird enough and I wish people would leave things alone; they are as they are for a reason even if you cannot see what that reason is. I am writing this story just to see what happens. If I rewrite it, then it will be a different story. That is not the story I want to write. Not at the moment anyway. The writer on the radio also said, sometimes the story writes itself. I have noticed a few words that write themselves like the days of the week (thanks btw) but mostly my computer is not very good at guessing what I want to write (bedraggled cohorts of rowdy shrews drink too much sherry and burp acrimoniously) I didn’t necessarily want to write that but who was to know? Exactly, that’s what I’m talking about. Then you get a horrible green line under your words but the computer doesn’t get your style like your dad.

So

So you are Harold. Like King Harold, who is famous for losing a battle a long time ago. Most people are famous for winning something like a cup or going to the moon or these days just being really well known without doing anything - but not King Harold. He got an arrow in his eye or maybe it was his nose or throat; nobody really knows but historians speculate and say wherever he got the arrow he died so it doesn’t make any difference. They also say what is the truth, how do you explain it to someone who doesn’t know what it is? I will try and unravel this conundrum in good time, right know all I know is that I don’t know any other Harolds; it is not a very common name and that is why I like it.

I heard on the radio a writer say anyone can write; if you write a page a day for a year in a year you will have written a novel. This sounds very clever but I am not so sure. 365 pages does not equal a novel, it can’t be that easy, a novel can be less than 365 pages but perhaps that is a novella. I am giving it a go anyway, just to see what happens. The writer also said writing is rewriting. This reminded me of what a very successful actress on the television said about acting; she said it was reacting. This confuses me. If acting is reacting then what is reacting? Do you see my point? She had met the Queen but that does not mean she knows what she’s talking about, does it? Look at Prince Philip. Also, people in the streets outside say things like Thursday is the new Friday and grey is the new black. I wouldn’t be surprised if Wales turned out to be the new Patagonia and Patricia Cornell the new cannelloni.

Chapter 2 - more soup

This is your story but I am writing it. This is my first attempt so bear with me and I will try and make it good, especially the first page because people will read that and decide very quickly if they want to read more. Fingers crossed, we are very nearly there. You can help me if you like; tell me what you want me to write and I will take all the credit. This makes me sound mean but the truth is that I am you and you are me and we are the same person so it is not mean. It is just a lot easier - life that is - when you pretend to be someone else. It sure takes the pressure off and people don’t have ideas about you and expect you to be a certain way, which sucks out loud, as my friend Jake from would say. That means it can be very stressful and get on your nerves. I may refer to Jake a lot in this story as he has been something of a beacon in my life despite his bad back but like I said, it is not his story: he is like the greenbelt (or wedge or Ekoparken if you are reading this in Swedish) in a story about a big sprawling Metropolis. It’s nice it’s there and I guess it serves a purpose but it’s not exactly the hub of excitement.

An introduction to phoenix soup

Hallo, are you sitting comfortably? You may not even be sitting. My friend Jake from Denmark put his back out just before Christmas and now he can’t sit down so he stands or lies a lot. I think he is all right, though, he’s one of those guys pretty comfortable regardless but this is not a story about Jake; this story is about you. That’s to say in the sense that it is written in the second person but that may change according to the mood I’m in.

Allow me to introduce you. You are Harold, Awkward Harold but your real name is Harlod Wakward. Your parents can’t spell, don’t ask me why - there are many things in this world I am not privy to, sorry about that, that’s just the way it is. I do know, however, that you are very excited because you have never been the hero of a story before. You are not eponymous, but you are still the hero. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You are not like Jake, you are sometimes very uncomfortable but that is because you care about stuff. Too much, too soon as they say.