Trance would be a fine thing

Dear College of Psychic studies,

I would very much like to be considered for a place on your advanced trance course. Actually, I think I would be better suited to a teaching role. If life has taught me anything, it's that I am much better at teaching than learning! I have been a big fan of trance ever since I went to a rave organised by my brother's girlfriend, Ode, in Eltham Palace (Henry VIII's old house). My brother was the DJ and it was mostly uplifting trance that was played but some classic trance too and I enjoyed both very much and then flew home.

I did some research in a book and found out that trance music was not invented when Henry VIII was alive, but if it had been then he certainly would have liked it and that is why my brother played mostly trance. Have you ever been to Eltham Palace, it is well worth a visit and there is a bridge over a dry moat too which is great for people who like moats but cannot swim?

Back to trance, the reason I want to teach it is this:

Apparently my great great grandfather was privy to the secret of the universe but then he was run over by a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig and died. I would like to contact him on the other side and find out his secret. If you give me a place on your course, I will share the secret with you and our students and together we can take over the world.

I look forward to being inaugurated as Senior Trance tutor soon.

Kind regards,

Gerry

A job for life

Dear British Institute of Funeral Directors,

I have been thinking about becoming a funeral director ever since my cat died and I organised a funeral for him which went really well and people came from the village and remarked how professional I looked dressed up in black and white (someone even said I looked a bit like Postman Pat's cat - how appropriate!).

This was many years ago but the feeling of making something nice out of death has never left me. As a child, I was obsessed with death and the fact that our lives are deeply rooted in existential incongruity, being as we are conscious beings and knowing that we are all going to die. I am not obsessed anymore but I still suffer extreme death anxiety at least once a week. This takes the form of hiding in a cupboard or trying to kill an insurance salesman by singing acapella (Gregorian chant or barbershop). With my keen interest in death, and very limited life experience, I feel I would make an excellent funeral director.

Please could you send me an application form so I can begin directing funerals as soon as possible?

Many thanks,

Gerry Jobsworth

P.s life's a journey, death the ultimate pitstop.