Today we ask ourselves the question: what makes us who we are and who is more real, actor Ian Smith or fictional character Harold Bishop?
In terms of pyschology, there are 3 factors to be considered when determining personality.
(1) do you have 2, 4 or 8 legs?
(b) do you play the banjo or does the banjo play you?
(iii) do you respond well to stimuli ( e.g Sha the rapper from Brooklyn)?
In a clever test of vraisemblance, Harold Bishop scored 99%, whereas the actor who plays him, Ian Smith, scored a measly 14%. It seems that Harold is considerably more real than Ian, although not necessarily more realistic. In the test we asked both participants to bake a cake, complete an assault course dressed as Napoleon Bonaparte, and deliver some mail in a manner evoking an air of magic realism. The results go to show that both Harold and Ian are crap at baking, but at least Harold has a clearly defined set of characteristics. Shame on you, Ian.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Monday, 8 September 2008
And finally...
Broccoli, a member of the brassica family along with cauliflower and turnips, is through to the final of the US Open and will face defending champion, Roger Federer. Federer has said he is quite nervous about playing Broccoli as it is unpredictable and very fast around the court. Broccoli has not reached a Grand Slam final before now but did really well at school, particularly in home economics.
A recent study has revealed that Andy Murray is really good for you and may help prevent cancer. Murray goes well with lemon juice and can be added to a soup. Murray likes to be kept in a fridge and eaten within 2 days.
In other news, Chris "Northern" Rock has announced a record loss of £585m and made 1,300 staff redundant. In a statement, he said "Αθλιες χαρακτηρίζει ο ομογενής συγγραφέας και δημοσιογράφος Χάρης Νικολαϊδης τις συνθήκες που επικρατούν στο κρατητήριό του, στην [...] mum, let go of my pizza you don't know who you're messing with."
A recent study has revealed that Andy Murray is really good for you and may help prevent cancer. Murray goes well with lemon juice and can be added to a soup. Murray likes to be kept in a fridge and eaten within 2 days.
In other news, Chris "Northern" Rock has announced a record loss of £585m and made 1,300 staff redundant. In a statement, he said "Αθλιες χαρακτηρίζει ο ομογενής συγγραφέας και δημοσιογράφος Χάρης Νικολαϊδης τις συνθήκες που επικρατούν στο κρατητήριό του, στην [...] mum, let go of my pizza you don't know who you're messing with."
Sunday, 7 September 2008
Large Hadron Collider with chips
The world's most powerful physics experiment (Large Hadron Collider) will on Wednesday re-create the conditions after the Big Bang in an attempt to answer fundamental questions of science and the universe itself. Here are the questions in case you were wondering:
(1) How did the earth begin and what was the intro music?
(2) How come there is something as opposed to nothing and why is Jeremy Clarkson so successful?
(3) Is there a God and does he cut his own hair?
And here are the answers in case you can't wait until Wednesday.
(1) The earth began an E please Bob and the music was "You give love a bad name" by Bon Jovi
(2) There is something because nothing is nothing so nothing is something too and Jeremy Clarkson is a good example of anti matter.
(3) There may be a God; if there is one, he is bald, if there isn't then yes and he has an NVQ level 3 in barbering.
Some people are concerned that the experiment will create a black hole at the centre of the earth and cause it to implode. This is unlikely. Others are concerned that the Pacific Ocean will turn to custard. This will almost certainly happen.
(1) How did the earth begin and what was the intro music?
(2) How come there is something as opposed to nothing and why is Jeremy Clarkson so successful?
(3) Is there a God and does he cut his own hair?
And here are the answers in case you can't wait until Wednesday.
(1) The earth began an E please Bob and the music was "You give love a bad name" by Bon Jovi
(2) There is something because nothing is nothing so nothing is something too and Jeremy Clarkson is a good example of anti matter.
(3) There may be a God; if there is one, he is bald, if there isn't then yes and he has an NVQ level 3 in barbering.
Some people are concerned that the experiment will create a black hole at the centre of the earth and cause it to implode. This is unlikely. Others are concerned that the Pacific Ocean will turn to custard. This will almost certainly happen.
Friday, 5 September 2008
My mother and other animals
Dear Africa,
I am very keen to go to Africa as my mother is from there and although I have her legs, I have never been there myself. My mother was born in Nakuru and grew up near the lake, befriending many animals, baboons and flamingos alike. One time, when she was a teenager, her glands swelled up and she was mistaken for one of the Big Five and nearly put in a zoo. Luckily she managed to zigzag her way back to the house and pretend to be a lamp post. My mother has some crazy stories like that I can tell you. Now she lives in Kent, England, and still has a very close relationship with the wildlife, such as butterflies and squirrels. She claims she can talk to them but butterflies are pompous and squirrels are racist so she doesn't bother most of the time. I would like to arrange a surprise trip back to Kenya for my mother so I need some info but on the sly. Is it possible to stay on the lake and does it cater for vegeterians?
Many thanks for your help,
Gerry
P.S When is a rhino not a rhino?
I am very keen to go to Africa as my mother is from there and although I have her legs, I have never been there myself. My mother was born in Nakuru and grew up near the lake, befriending many animals, baboons and flamingos alike. One time, when she was a teenager, her glands swelled up and she was mistaken for one of the Big Five and nearly put in a zoo. Luckily she managed to zigzag her way back to the house and pretend to be a lamp post. My mother has some crazy stories like that I can tell you. Now she lives in Kent, England, and still has a very close relationship with the wildlife, such as butterflies and squirrels. She claims she can talk to them but butterflies are pompous and squirrels are racist so she doesn't bother most of the time. I would like to arrange a surprise trip back to Kenya for my mother so I need some info but on the sly. Is it possible to stay on the lake and does it cater for vegeterians?
Many thanks for your help,
Gerry
P.S When is a rhino not a rhino?
Thursday, 4 September 2008
London ambivalence
Dear London, Ontario,
I am writing to you today from London, England. I am sure you are aware that these two great cities have the same name but I wonder if they have more in common than first meets the eye. Does having the same name as London, England cause any confusion? I had the same name as a boy at school and once after P.E I put his clothes on and ended up going back to his home and eating chips and ice cream! The other boy went back to my house and was never seen again! I imagine some people have gone to London, Ontario thinking they were going to see the Queen and were a bit disappointed. Do you have any stories like this?
Many thanks,
Gerry
P.S In London England pastimes include apologizing, turning noses up and putting hags in the river. What do you like to do?
I am writing to you today from London, England. I am sure you are aware that these two great cities have the same name but I wonder if they have more in common than first meets the eye. Does having the same name as London, England cause any confusion? I had the same name as a boy at school and once after P.E I put his clothes on and ended up going back to his home and eating chips and ice cream! The other boy went back to my house and was never seen again! I imagine some people have gone to London, Ontario thinking they were going to see the Queen and were a bit disappointed. Do you have any stories like this?
Many thanks,
Gerry
P.S In London England pastimes include apologizing, turning noses up and putting hags in the river. What do you like to do?
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Luxembourg in a nutshell
Dear Grand Duchy of Luxembourg,
I am very keen to visit Luxembourg this autumn as part of my mini world tour 2008. As an amateur anthropomerist, my aim is to visit a selection of the smallest countries in the world and find out just what it is about them that makes them so small. I understand that Luxembourg is the sixth smallest country and that your head of state, Sir Henri the Grand Duke, is also one of the world's smallest leaders. This bodes very well for my research trip! I have found a lot of information about coming to your country on your website but I have a few more questions before I leave:
(1) What is the biggest size suitcase I can bring?
(2) Is the chairlift in Vianden open to people like me who have trouble sitting down?
(3) I would like to learn a few Luxembourg phrases so I can speak to the locals in their own language. I would like to be able to say:
(a) Hallo, my name is Gerry and I shall be honoured to dine with you in your castle.
(b) If it is not too much trouble, how many pants make a dozen?
(c) Thank you for your hospitality, I think I need to lie down now.
I hope you are able to help me with my questions and I look forward to booking my holiday soon.
Kind regards,
Gerry Howell
I am very keen to visit Luxembourg this autumn as part of my mini world tour 2008. As an amateur anthropomerist, my aim is to visit a selection of the smallest countries in the world and find out just what it is about them that makes them so small. I understand that Luxembourg is the sixth smallest country and that your head of state, Sir Henri the Grand Duke, is also one of the world's smallest leaders. This bodes very well for my research trip! I have found a lot of information about coming to your country on your website but I have a few more questions before I leave:
(1) What is the biggest size suitcase I can bring?
(2) Is the chairlift in Vianden open to people like me who have trouble sitting down?
(3) I would like to learn a few Luxembourg phrases so I can speak to the locals in their own language. I would like to be able to say:
(a) Hallo, my name is Gerry and I shall be honoured to dine with you in your castle.
(b) If it is not too much trouble, how many pants make a dozen?
(c) Thank you for your hospitality, I think I need to lie down now.
I hope you are able to help me with my questions and I look forward to booking my holiday soon.
Kind regards,
Gerry Howell
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
Chevy chased by a crocodile
Dear Chevy Chase Bank,
I imagine you are asked this a lot, but were you named after Chevy Chase, famous actor from Spies Like Us? He is my favorite actor so it would be an honour to open up an account with his bank. I am based in England but I do have some dollars left over from my trip to Florida when I went to see the crocodiles (they are much faster than they look, no?)
Best wishes,
Gerry Howell
Dear Gerry Howell:
Thank you for your e-mail dated 8/27/2008, inquiring whether Chevy Chase Bank is affiliated with Chevy Chase, the actor. We welcome the opportunity to assist you.
Chevy Chase Bank is not affiliated with Chevy Chase, the actor.
Chevy Chase Bank traces its roots back for over 100 years to the founding of the B.F. Saul Company in 1892 by Mr. B. Francis Saul. The B.F. Saul Company became established as one of the leading mortgage banking companies in the Washington area and survived the great Depression of the 1930’s by offering a diversity of financial services to the real estate industry
In 1969, Mr. Saul founded the Chevy Chase Bank, which began operation in a trailer located at the site of the Bank’s former headquarters on Connecticut Avenue. From its early beginnings, Chevy Chase Bank was an innovator in offering financial services to the public. Originally known as the "Home of the 6% Passbook," Chevy Chase established a reputation as the bank where the consumer could obtain a better value than was generally available.
Should you have any additional questions or concerns, please contact us again by e-mail or by telephone. Customer Care Associates are available to assist you, daily from 7:00 a.m. until 11:00 p.m., ET, at either of the two numbers listed below.
Thank you for your interest in Chevy Chase Bank.
Sincerely,
Heather Jorgensen
Customer Contact Center
Chevy Chase Bank
I imagine you are asked this a lot, but were you named after Chevy Chase, famous actor from Spies Like Us? He is my favorite actor so it would be an honour to open up an account with his bank. I am based in England but I do have some dollars left over from my trip to Florida when I went to see the crocodiles (they are much faster than they look, no?)
Best wishes,
Gerry Howell
Dear Gerry Howell:
Thank you for your e-mail dated 8/27/2008, inquiring whether Chevy Chase Bank is affiliated with Chevy Chase, the actor. We welcome the opportunity to assist you.
Chevy Chase Bank is not affiliated with Chevy Chase, the actor.
Chevy Chase Bank traces its roots back for over 100 years to the founding of the B.F. Saul Company in 1892 by Mr. B. Francis Saul. The B.F. Saul Company became established as one of the leading mortgage banking companies in the Washington area and survived the great Depression of the 1930’s by offering a diversity of financial services to the real estate industry
In 1969, Mr. Saul founded the Chevy Chase Bank, which began operation in a trailer located at the site of the Bank’s former headquarters on Connecticut Avenue. From its early beginnings, Chevy Chase Bank was an innovator in offering financial services to the public. Originally known as the "Home of the 6% Passbook," Chevy Chase established a reputation as the bank where the consumer could obtain a better value than was generally available.
Should you have any additional questions or concerns, please contact us again by e-mail or by telephone. Customer Care Associates are available to assist you, daily from 7:00 a.m. until 11:00 p.m., ET, at either of the two numbers listed below.
Thank you for your interest in Chevy Chase Bank.
Sincerely,
Heather Jorgensen
Customer Contact Center
Chevy Chase Bank
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)