Whaam!

Today Frederick Goodge had a run-in with the police, an encounter which can only be described as

onomatopoeiac!

Fred was riding his bicycle down to the Streatham Ice Rink for ice hockey practice when he was approached by a police car for going too fast. Fred said with a winsome flick of his eyebrows "That was nothing, you should see me when I get my skates on!"

The policeman didn't know what this meant, not privy to Fred's intended destination, and thought Fred was being flippant. Fred was then asked to stop pedalling and fill in a form with details of his family going back to the Doomsday Book including how many pigs his Great Great Great Great Great Great Uncle Derek used to have. Fred thought this information was quite interesting but surely irrelevant and the policeman, who as it turned out, was only temping, replied that it was sacred police procedure and absolutely not to be questioned.
Fred complied but secretly sniggered in his head.

Then the policeman, who as it turned out, was only joking about only temping but was too embarrassed to admit that he had actually wanted to be a policeman, said: " Now I just need some proof of I.D, a recital of a Shakespearean sonnet (not one of the gay ones) and confirmation one way or another of whether there is a God."

Fred tossed and turned and eventually came up with the goods, wondering what the rigorous procedure might be for anything more serious than riding a bike quite fast.

Then he went to ice hockey practice and let in 6 goals because he was distracted by the enormous pettiness of everything. His team mates didn't really care as they were too busy complaining to the referee that the ice wasn't icy enough.