Today Frederick Goodge directed traffic, not like Oscar winner Steven Soderburgh, more like a brightly coloured poorly paid steward.
Then he went home and looked in the mirror. Imagine his surprise when he discovered he was not a real person, but actually someone else's alter ego! His self esteem plummeted so he had some chocolate, a boost to be precise and he began to feel better about himself again.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Waxing Squirrel
Today, October 28 2009, Frederick Goodge had a day off from work (science museum, space attendant) so he went to the park and had his legs waxed by a squirrel.
It was a good day, sunny.
Autumn sunshine is Frederick's favourite kind of sunshine, joyous, not too hot and now Frederick doesn't have to shave his legs for at least 6 months. Peace.
It was a good day, sunny.
Autumn sunshine is Frederick's favourite kind of sunshine, joyous, not too hot and now Frederick doesn't have to shave his legs for at least 6 months. Peace.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Whaam!
Today Frederick Goodge had a run-in with the police, an encounter which can only be described as
Fred was riding his bicycle down to the Streatham Ice Rink for ice hockey practice when he was approached by a police car for going too fast. Fred said with a winsome flick of his eyebrows "That was nothing, you should see me when I get my skates on!"
The policeman didn't know what this meant, not privy to Fred's intended destination, and thought Fred was being flippant. Fred was then asked to stop pedalling and fill in a form with details of his family going back to the Doomsday Book including how many pigs his Great Great Great Great Great Great Uncle Derek used to have. Fred thought this information was quite interesting but surely irrelevant and the policeman, who as it turned out, was only temping, replied that it was sacred police procedure and absolutely not to be questioned.
Fred complied but secretly sniggered in his head.
Then the policeman, who as it turned out, was only joking about only temping but was too embarrassed to admit that he had actually wanted to be a policeman, said: " Now I just need some proof of I.D, a recital of a Shakespearean sonnet (not one of the gay ones) and confirmation one way or another of whether there is a God."
Fred tossed and turned and eventually came up with the goods, wondering what the rigorous procedure might be for anything more serious than riding a bike quite fast.
Then he went to ice hockey practice and let in 6 goals because he was distracted by the enormous pettiness of everything. His team mates didn't really care as they were too busy complaining to the referee that the ice wasn't icy enough.
onomatopoeiac!
Fred was riding his bicycle down to the Streatham Ice Rink for ice hockey practice when he was approached by a police car for going too fast. Fred said with a winsome flick of his eyebrows "That was nothing, you should see me when I get my skates on!"
The policeman didn't know what this meant, not privy to Fred's intended destination, and thought Fred was being flippant. Fred was then asked to stop pedalling and fill in a form with details of his family going back to the Doomsday Book including how many pigs his Great Great Great Great Great Great Uncle Derek used to have. Fred thought this information was quite interesting but surely irrelevant and the policeman, who as it turned out, was only temping, replied that it was sacred police procedure and absolutely not to be questioned.
Fred complied but secretly sniggered in his head.
Then the policeman, who as it turned out, was only joking about only temping but was too embarrassed to admit that he had actually wanted to be a policeman, said: " Now I just need some proof of I.D, a recital of a Shakespearean sonnet (not one of the gay ones) and confirmation one way or another of whether there is a God."
Fred tossed and turned and eventually came up with the goods, wondering what the rigorous procedure might be for anything more serious than riding a bike quite fast.
Then he went to ice hockey practice and let in 6 goals because he was distracted by the enormous pettiness of everything. His team mates didn't really care as they were too busy complaining to the referee that the ice wasn't icy enough.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
London Docklands Museum
Today Frederick Goodge received an emergency call (red phone) and was asked to come immediately to the London Docklands Museum. Frederick said "You bet, Cheeky Boo", then put down his (fishing) rod, jumped on his (push) bike and shot off in the direction of West India (Quay).
Round the roundabout and once more for luck, the superstitious but highly reliable Frederick Goodge arrived at the museum in plenty of time but went in to the wrong entrance and was mistaken for an ordinary member of the public (Joe or Edna) and nearly charged 5 pounds! Frederick explained himself and was motioned into the secret staff headquarters, the room with the big sign on the door clearly marked "Secret staff room: staff only no ordinary Joes or Ednas".
Frederick was handed a walkie-talkie for the first time in his life, he was very excited but he didn't need to use it as there were no emergencies or even visitors that quiet Tuesday afternoon.
Then Frederick gave back the walkie-talkie, faxed over his timesheet and left, thinking all about what he had learned in the museum, like how London used to smell really bad in the 1700s and now it doesn't smell so bad but it is full of annoying people in suits, so swings and roundabouts, if you see what I mean, and then Frederick went round the roundabout and home.
Round the roundabout and once more for luck, the superstitious but highly reliable Frederick Goodge arrived at the museum in plenty of time but went in to the wrong entrance and was mistaken for an ordinary member of the public (Joe or Edna) and nearly charged 5 pounds! Frederick explained himself and was motioned into the secret staff headquarters, the room with the big sign on the door clearly marked "Secret staff room: staff only no ordinary Joes or Ednas".
Frederick was handed a walkie-talkie for the first time in his life, he was very excited but he didn't need to use it as there were no emergencies or even visitors that quiet Tuesday afternoon.
Then Frederick gave back the walkie-talkie, faxed over his timesheet and left, thinking all about what he had learned in the museum, like how London used to smell really bad in the 1700s and now it doesn't smell so bad but it is full of annoying people in suits, so swings and roundabouts, if you see what I mean, and then Frederick went round the roundabout and home.
Friday, 16 October 2009
October 16 2009
Frederick Goodge awoke with aplomb. No, make that a plumb. Yes, recently he had taken to going to bed with pieces of fruit the night before in order to avail himself of a tasty, wholesome breakfast without having to get out of bed.
He bit into his plumb and drew back the curtain. It was pouring with rain but as far as Fred was concerned, it was just a drizzle. Boy was he in good mood today! His spirits hadn't been so high since the last day of high school, when Fred finished 6th in the 70 metre dash, beating his personal best by actually finishing the race and then going to the local wetherspoons with his friend Archie Hoodwinkle for a burger and a pint of beer for under a pound.
Fred finished his plumb, leapt out of bed and landed in his clothes, which had been laid out the night before to save time. He decided he wouldn't shower today as it was raining (albeit only a drizzle, perhaps a splash at the sink?) and he had several (4) things to do, which is a lot for Fred as his typical day entails only 1 or 2 things at the most.
the 4 things Fred had to do:
1. shave
2. buy some milk
3. fill in an online form to do with N.I contributions
4. go and see some jazz
He bit into his plumb and drew back the curtain. It was pouring with rain but as far as Fred was concerned, it was just a drizzle. Boy was he in good mood today! His spirits hadn't been so high since the last day of high school, when Fred finished 6th in the 70 metre dash, beating his personal best by actually finishing the race and then going to the local wetherspoons with his friend Archie Hoodwinkle for a burger and a pint of beer for under a pound.
Fred finished his plumb, leapt out of bed and landed in his clothes, which had been laid out the night before to save time. He decided he wouldn't shower today as it was raining (albeit only a drizzle, perhaps a splash at the sink?) and he had several (4) things to do, which is a lot for Fred as his typical day entails only 1 or 2 things at the most.
the 4 things Fred had to do:
1. shave
2. buy some milk
3. fill in an online form to do with N.I contributions
4. go and see some jazz
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