Risky business

Fighting in the Democratic Republic of Congo continues despite a ceasefire being agreed.

"What a shame that ceasefires don't work" said a UN spokesperson over breakfast to his dog as he tucked into a second bowl of .... "Yes, in an ideal world all ceasefires would work and the fighting would stop immmediately. To which his dog replied: "Or better still, in an ideal world there'd be no fighting at all".

"You're so naive" said the spokesperson, "but then again, you are just a dog."

Imagine a world where dogs could talk. Or one where people didn't fight all the time. Which is more improbable? Here's a scenario:

Hello old sport what are you up to?

I'm just planning a war.

Oh yes?

Yes, I'm going to attack a small foreign country and bomb the hell out of it and plunder it for oil and rape the women and cut off the water supplies and generally cause an awful bloody great inconvenience to millions of innocent people.

Are you serious?

You bet I am.

Fantastic, but wait, what if they ask you to stop?

What?

A ceasefire?

Oh, bugger I didn't think of that.

How about a game of risk instead?

Good idea.

A mostly moving tale

I went to the library today. In fact I went yesterday too, and the day before that. I've been to the library every day this week and every time I'm there the librarian tells me that my membership has expired and I need to bring in some proof of address to show I'm still entitled to belong to the library. This is not a problem but I have forgotten to take any proof every time so far. Now the lady won't issue me any books until I bring in my proof of address. I assured her on my last visit that I hadn't moved, she said that wasn't the point. Now I'm paranoid she thinks I have moved but I love that library so much that I don't want to leave and join another one. I haven't moved I said, I hope you don't think that I've moved but I love this library so much that I can't bear to be separated from it. There's nothing special about this library, I'd happily join another one. As I said this, the lady's chin began to wobble. No, I didn't mean it like that I protested. I love this library, it's very special, not least on account of its proximity to my house and I love the selection of books you have here and postcards of pre-war Kennington and even those books for sale on the trolley as you come in, biographies of rugby players and those trashy romantic pseudo novels - pieces of trash you're trying to sell, these are books that people won't rent out for free, what makes you think that people are going to pay money for them to suffer the embarrassment of keeping them in their homes potentially forever? The lady's glasses began to steam up. No, no don't get me wrong I love these books, yes and to prove it I'm going to buy one, can I buy one? Presmuably I don't need to be a member in order to buy a book - I mean I don't need to join Waterstones to buy something from there. Oh yes, but I just can't decide between The Doctor's Special Touch and Bulletproof Hearts. OK, I'll take them both. There you go.
But I still need to see some proof of I.D the next time you come in.
But I haven't moved I tell you! If I have moved (which I haven't), then I've moved a minimal distance so I'm still well within the catchment area so as far as your concerned I haven't moved at all. I may have moved across the street for example except I haven't or possibly next door but I can't have moved next door as the couple next door haven't moved out so if I have moved next door then I've moved in with the couple, but I would never do that. He's an angry shouty man who smokes a lot of marijuana and she's a whiny idiot. Well, let's just say the lift doesn't exactly go all the way to the top floor. She lives on the second floor so perhaps not such an idiot after all but twice she's asked me to break her door down as she's lost her keys. The other day the police came round because the angry shouty man was angry and shouting at his idiot girlfriend. I listened to the whole scene through my door. What's the trouble? said the policeman. No trouble said the man. We had reports of shouting and possible violence, said the policeman.
No, no we just had a little argument that's all, no trouble. What was the argument about?
Nothing really, my girlfriend thinks an octopus is a fish that's all. Don't worry, she's an idiot, I told her off that's all.
Then the police detected the smoke in the flat.
You been smoking in there? asked the policeman.
No, no just smoking a little spliff, nothing major said the man.
You understand it's against the law.
No, just having a smoke in my own home, not causing any trouble Officer.
It's actually a criminal offence to smoke, even in your home.
In the privacy of my home Officer, don't worry about anything, just a little argument with my girlfriend, you see she thinks octopus is a fish but I corrected here not a problem.
Look if we have to come back again we're going to take you down to the station do you understand?
The man doesn't understand that his flat is not a sovereign city state independent from the rest of the country and as such is subject to the same laws as the rest of the land and the lady is so stupid she doesn't know what an octopus is and she even put her address on her house keys in case she loses them!
Well if she doesn't lose them, at least she''ll have proof of her address.

Knock her down with a feather

Paula Abdul sighed into the wind like a gossamer gibbon caught in a wayward tailspin. She was doleful, and on the dole. Paula hadn't had a hit in years; she was broke, destitute and forlorn. She was thinking about going back to cheerleading but had recently developed pteronophobia, the fear of being tickled by feathers. It is a rare phobia indeed but a serious one. Paula was feeling very fragile, she could literally have been knocked down by Vic Feather, General Secretary of the Trade Union Congress in Great Britain from 1969 to 1973. But luckily for Paula, Vic had been dead since 1976.
Or had he?
Yes, he had.
It all started when Paula married sportswear designer Brad Beckerman back in 1996. He had turned up for the wedding dressed as a chicken. "What do you think you're doing?" asked Paula, agog at the altar.
"I wanted to surprise you", said Brad.
"But you know I hate plumage," said Paula.
"But opposites attract" said Brad, cleverly referencing one of Paula's best known songs.

The couple were happy for two years but the marriage ended in 1998 when Paula caught Brad in bed with Emilio Estevez, Paula's previous husband. "What do you think you're doing?" asked Paula, agog at the foot of the bed.
"I wanted to surprise you," said Brad.
"But you know I hate surprises, and infidelity and Emilio Estevez too."
"But it's all about feeling good" said Brad, cleverly referencing another of Paula's best known songs.

"Not this time" said Paula. "I want a divorce".

"You already had one," said Emilio.

"I'm not talking to you" said Paula.

"But my love is for real" said Brad."Straight up".

"Then what are you doing in bed with my x-husband?"

"Having sex", said Emilio.

"I'm not talking to you" said Paula.

"I just wanted to see what it was like. Doing it with the star of the Mighty Ducks." said Brad.

"But you know I hate ducks." said Paula.

And that is how Paula ended up with pteronophobia. "Oh well," said Paula, " at least I am not a bird, then I'd be afraid of my own body and well and truly screwed."