Hat's the way I like it

Dear Red Hat Society,

I understand you are an international organization of women who meet for tea wearing red hats and purple dresses.

Boy am I glad I came across you! This is my destiny for sure! Chapeau as they say in France and Belgium!

Allow me to introduce myself: I am a cosmopolitan individual, off-kilter some might say, buxom and vivacious with a love of tea, a penchant for red hats and an insatiable purple dress fetish. The only snag is I am not approaching 50 or over and I am sadly not a woman. Would I still be able to join your club?

Also, I heard say that one wears a hat to prove that one has a head. Is this true? Are there not other ways of doing this? I am curious and would love to know what you think about this.

Best wishes,

Gerry

Hello, Red Hat Society is a woman’s social organization that connects and supports women in their pursuit of Fun, Friendship, Freedom and Fulfillment. If you female and 21 years old or older, you may join Red Hat Society. Ladies 50 and older wear purple outfits with red hats, and are known as Red Hatters or Red Hat Ladies. Ladies 49 and under wear lavender outfits and pink hats and are known as Pink Hatters, Ladies in waiting, or Red Hats in training.

Thank you, Dianne / LadyDi RHS Story Lady / Communications Coordinator Red Hat Society Hatquarters

Happy RHS 10th Birthday to you from us at Hatquarters. There is magic in those hats! Come along, we’re going to play all year long.
See you in Grand Rapids MI! Sept 26-28 2008
See you in Savannah GA! Oct 10-13 2008
See you in London England for New Year's!!! Dec 28 2008 - Jan 4 2009
See you in Dallas TX! March 25-29 2009

I'll cross that bridge when I come to it unless I'm on a bike

Cher Viaduc de Millau,

Je vous ecris aujourd'hui parce-que mon passe-temps favori, c'est les ponts. Quand j'etais enfant, je revais de travailler sur un pont mais maintenant je travaille dans un bureau devant un ordinateur. Mon patron me dit toujours: Il faut pas bruler tes ponts et moi je reponds: Je n'ai pas de ponts mais j'en reve et il me dit tu reves debout et puis je m'assieds devant mon ordinateur. Je deteste mon patron. Il y a des ponts ici a Londres (par exemple Putney et Tower) mais ils sont pas magnifiques et tout neufs comme vous. Comme vous le savez, le Viaduc de Millau est le plus grand pont du monde. Bravo! No small feat, comme on dit en Angleterre. J'ai tres envie de vous rendre visite et je me demande si c'est possible. Je ne conduis pas mais j'ai un velo. A votre avis, pourrais je traverser le Viaduc de Millau en velo? J'ai une casquette et j'amenerais un pique-nique et une tente aussi. Traverser le pont, ca prends combien de temps? On a le droit de fait du camping sur le pont? Ca coute combien? C'est l'anniversaire de ma grandmere ce weekend donc je compte venir la semaine prochaine. Ca vous convient?

Merci infiniment pour votre assistance et a bientot,

Monsieur Howell

Monsieur,

Suite à votre demande, nous vous conseillons de prendre contact avec la société qui organise des visites du Viaduc en bus cabriolet.
Voici ses coordonnées :
Millau Halle Viaduc Place de la Capelle - 12100 Millau Tél : 05 65 60 95 05 E mail : mailto:contact@ot-millau.frhttp://www.millau-halle-viaduc.com/

Pour votre information, le Viaduc de Millau est un tronçon de l’autoroute A75, il est formellement interdit de le traverser à vélo ou de faire du camping sur le Viaduc.

Cordialement,

A KELLER
Service Commercial et Communication
Compagnie Eiffage du Viaduc de Millau
Péage de St Germain
BP 60457
12104 Millau Cédex

Shrodinger's humdinger

Dear Schrodinger,

I write to you today in regard to your famous cat thought experiment. I have already written to Stan (inventor of Henry's cat) and he says that Henry can be full and empty at the same time but he cannot speak for somebody else's cat. I understand that your experiment is a fine example of a quantum paradox and therefore any confusion or distress caused to the cat is totally justifiable. Here is my question: If a cat is either dead or alive or possibly both, is it wanted? Is there any connection between your cat experiment and the cult TV show Wanted: dead or alive starring Steve McQueen as bounty hunter Josh Randall? I know what you are thinking: nobody puts Steve McQueen in a sealed container! Actually, he is dead now so technically he is already. Do you like Steve McQueen? I do. Did you know he did all his own stunts? I do my own stunts too. I have just put myself in a sealed container with a bit of radioactive substance which may or may not kill me. All I have is my blackberry so I can send you this email. If I ever make it out of here alive, do you think I could have a job on your scientific advisory board - I got a B in double science at school and my favourite TV show is Quantum Leap?

Many thanks,

Gerry (human paradox in a box)

Henry's Schrodinger

Dear Stan,

I am just trying to figure out who Henry is. Is it you? Do you have a cat? What is it called? What do you think about that experiment where you put in a cat in a box just to prove that it is either dead or alive or maybe both? I miss Henry's cat, is it going to be back on TV soon?

Kind regards,

Gerry


Gerry,

You will find more episodes on the Henryscat site. Hopefully others will get put on later. Regarding Schrödinger's cat, I don’t know. Henry’s Cat can be both full and empty at the same time in so far as he has eaten enough and wants to eat more.
Henry left before the series started. We couldn’t afford to pay him.

Regards

stan

Wild things

Dear Howletts & Port Lympne Wild Animal Park,

In sooth, I know not why I am so sad. Yes, I do: I work in an office! I don't know what I do or how I ended up here but it is very boring and I really don't feel like I belong here. The other people in the office are very different to me and say perhaps I was raised by lions. Hence this here email to you today. I would like to come and visit you as I believe my family may be residents in your park. I am 6ft tall and fair-headed with a cheeky face and slightly squewiff. Does this sound familiar? Do you have any animals fitting this description? If so, I am certainly on the right path. I am very excited about leaving this office job and finally being reunited with my fellow creatures of the wild. Is there space for me in the park? I quite like to run around and I drink a lot of water too. Apart from this I have few demands. I like to read but only books about animals like the ones by Gerald Durrell. He is dead now but did he live in the park when he was alive? Perhaps he was my father. I am coming to see you to find out the truth! Please let me know when would be a good time to come and what sort of clothes, if any, I should bring.

Many thanks,

Gerry

Land, ho!

Dear Queen Elizabeth 2,

I heard that you were retiring at the end of this year to become a floating hotel in Dubai. Congratulations, a very sensible move I will definitely come and stay on you. I have not had the chance to go on one of your cruises because I heard about all the ships that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle and got scared. Do you have any friends that have gone missing? Do you miss them? I would. Did you know it was also called the Devil's triangle? Do you believe in the Devil? Can you believe in the Devil if you don't believe in God? If God had a triangle, do you think it would it be scalene? Probably equilateral, I'd say. Where would it be? Probably around the Channel Islands. Have you ever been to the Channel Islands? That is a stupid question. I bet you have been everywhere, in your time, on your travels. You have had such a blessed and happy life! Please don't go to the Bermuda Triangle! Woe betide you if you do. Do you like that expression? Nice expressions won't save you from the Devil. Repent! Save your souls, SOS! Walk the plank but first take it out of your own eye!

Best wishes,


Gerry

P.s I was at a ship party on the weekend in Battersea (a ship party as I am sure you know already is a party where all the people dress up as a ship, not to be confused with a boat party which is a party set on a boat and I dressed up as a roll-on/roll-off ship and came second, the winner was Michael Barrymore who went as the Mayflower even though she was dismantled years ago and he wasn't even invited the fat bitch).

Chapter 3 continued

For some reason you are shy and reserved but prone to random bouts of outlandish exhibitionism. Remember that time in the shopping centre when you pretended to be James Bond and jumped into the sports car that was the prize in a raffle? I doubt anyone ever wins those cars (it is a con I have a suspicion to make money out of people who think it would be nice to have a car that can go over 100 miles an hour when you are not allowed to. Imagine being an ostrich in a tiny chicken pen surrounded by hundreds of chickens - that is you in your sports car stuck in everyday traffic. I think it is funny when people say: I was stuck in traffic, it was a nightmare! I can think of worse things more befitting of a nightmare than being stuck in traffic and I am sure you can too. A lot of people don’t really think about what they’re saying I guess is the point. Anyway, you tried to drive the car away but there were no keys and then the security guard asked you to get out and you said in the style of George Lazenby “don’t you know who I am?” And the guard said no and so the game was up and you got out. Afterwards I said you should have done your Sean Connery voice (way more recognisable) but that is you all over. That was a crazy time and by no means anomalous.

A sauce of revolt

The Carbonara was a brotherhood created for the purpose of overthrowing the Italian government. The brotherhood covered themselves in cream, bacon and Parmesan cheese so the government wouldn't notice what they were up to.

chapter 3 - Soupe du Jour

Back to the story, you wake up in the morning on the floor in your living room. You feel like crap. An idea occurs to you: Cover the ice caps in salt to stop climate change and save the planet! You reckon this is genius but you head hurts so bad, you cannot think it through.

Despite feeling like crap and being on the floor in your living room on this particular and fateful morning, you are a handsome chap in a classical young Jimmy Stewart type way, like when he called himself Mr Smith and went all the way to Washington to fight for what he believed in. You are going to do that in this story but in your own modest and less dramatic way. You think if you ever get round to having a baby you would quite like to call it Jefferson, after Jimmy’s character of course, not the American psychedelic rock band although Surrealistic Pillow is one of your favourite records of all time. First, however, you need to find a wife; and this is partly what your story is about. You heard a joke when you were in Amsterdam with your best friends from school on a quasi journey of lopsided hedonistic self discovery: My mother in law can’t have children. As jokes go, it is not a very good one but there is something about it that appeals all the same.

Hoover my dead body

Dear Hoover,

I was browsing on your website and I read that your mission is to "create products designed to make your life easier, wherever you are in the home". This is genius! Outside of the home, your products suck and make people's lives hell!

Last Tuesday I tried to take my washing machine to Regent's park and let me tell you it did not make my life easier at all, quite the opposite in fact. A real pain in the behind it was trying to lug it all the way onto the top deck of the 159, not to mention the funny looks from my befuddled fellow passengers. Then when I finally made it to the park there was nowhere to plug the wretched machine in. What an ordeal! I wanted to take my washing machine on the boating lake but the moron with the hat on said no. Crumbs!

I am so pleased that you have thought of all these things and woven them neatly into your company ethos.

Kind regards,

Gerry

P.S I am quite interested in becoming President of the Hoover Foundation please can I come in for an interview anytime really is good for me?

P.P.S I never heard a homeless person complain that his floor needed a hoover so you must be doing something right!

Cogito Ergonomics

Dear Ergonomics Society,

As an avid fan of ergonomics and human factors engineering in particular, I feel it is my duty (and overwhelming desire) to write to you and introduce myself. I am not, contrary to popular belief, a professional ergonomist, but as a certified human being I am more than qualified to have an opinion on the scientific discipline of all matters relating to human needs and so on. And I do. I understand that your society is the professional body reserved strictly for ergonomists but would you willing to make an exception for me? If you make me a member of your society, you will not regret it I can assure you and I will share with you all my ideas on how to improve ergonomics, take it to the next level as they say, and bring it to a wider, more mainstream audience. The future of ergonomics is bright indeed but only in the right hands and those hands just happen to be the very ones typing this email to you now. How about that for a coincidence? Incidentally, what do ergonomists think about coincidences? (I am duly sceptical, more on my theory once I am officially signed up.)

I look forward to hearing from you and hopefully receiving my membership badge in the post soon.
Kind regards,
Gerry
P.s did you hear the one about the boy at school who wasn’t very good at ergonomics and got bullied because he didn’t fit in?

Travelin' Light

Dear Red Devil Storage,
First of all may I say congratulations on your fantastic slogan ("the spare room on your doorstep") and I say this not just because I live in Kennington, South London (so you are almost literally on my doorstep, or vicer versa!) but also because I have always felt when overwhelmed by a lack of space (if it's possible to be overwhelmed with a lack of something) that a spare room on my doorstep is just what is required (even though I live on the second floor so don't technically have a door step, just a mat).

Now down to business: the reason I am writing today is to because I am soon to embark on a round-the-world trip circumnavigating the globe (btw I am going east first of all to Holland and then on to Russia and Mexico before coming back via Cape Town where I have friend with an ostrich farm and then stopping off in Canada to see the infamous Sasquatch!) and as I intend to take my bicycle (Josephine, electric blue) I will need to travel light and not burden myself too much with things like a grammarphone and tea cosy. I am therefore looking for a place to keep all my personal belongings (I have something in the region of 40 in total and this includes a sofa which is in 2 parts). How much will it cost to keep 40 belongings including a 2 part sofa in your storage space in Kennington for 80 days?

Thank you for you assistance and bon voyage!

Gerry
(Kennington, although not for much longer!)

Denmark my words

Dear Denmark,
I am writing to make enquiries about visiting the country of Denmark (you) this summer (June 20 – September 20 2008). Summer is my favourite of the temperate seasons and I have been fascinated in Denmark since meeting the goalkeeper (Peter S Michael) of my favourite football team (Manchester United) at a charity field event in 1995 when I was only 8 and asking him for his autograph. His handwriting was great despite those big gloves he always wears!
Anyway, I have had a good look on your website and I have a lot of useful information now but I wanted to be sure of a few more things before I book my trip to Denmark as this will be my first time abroad without my brothers (Dominic and Julian).
(1) Is it possible to go to Aalberg and Copenhagen as I understand they are on different islands or is there a law about this sort of thing?
(2) I am very keen to visit the birthplace of Hans Christien Andersen, whereabouts is this and should I bring a present?
(3) Lastly, I will be coming by myself to explore the culture and history of Denmark at school we read Hamlet by William Shakespeare which is set in Denmark and it has a very sad ending but I hope the country is safer now than it used to be.
Many thanks for all your help and I look forward to my Danish holiday 2008!
Kind regards,

Gerry

Dear Mr. Howell,
Thank you for your message. I will answer your questions as listed:
(1) Of course you can go to both Aalborg and Copenhagen. It will take about 5½ hours by train to go from Aalborg to Copenhagen. Check out travel times at www.rejseplanen.dk.
(2) Hans Christian Andersen's birthplace is in Odense (the fourth largest city in Denmark). The city is actually on the way from Aalborg to Copenhagen so you can stop there before you go to Copenhagen. You do not need to bring a present, but I think you can donate some money to the museum if you like.
(3) I can assure you that the country is really safe these days. As you probably know Shakespeare wrote the play 400 years ago and he has actually never even been to Denmark, so the Denmark he describes is pure fiction.
I hope you will find this information useful to you but please do not hesitate to write back to us if you have any further questions.
Best regards.
Karen Hansen
Trainee - Conference & Incentive Travel

Trance would be a fine thing

Dear College of Psychic studies,

I would very much like to be considered for a place on your advanced trance course. Actually, I think I would be better suited to a teaching role. If life has taught me anything, it's that I am much better at teaching than learning! I have been a big fan of trance ever since I went to a rave organised by my brother's girlfriend, Ode, in Eltham Palace (Henry VIII's old house). My brother was the DJ and it was mostly uplifting trance that was played but some classic trance too and I enjoyed both very much and then flew home.

I did some research in a book and found out that trance music was not invented when Henry VIII was alive, but if it had been then he certainly would have liked it and that is why my brother played mostly trance. Have you ever been to Eltham Palace, it is well worth a visit and there is a bridge over a dry moat too which is great for people who like moats but cannot swim?

Back to trance, the reason I want to teach it is this:

Apparently my great great grandfather was privy to the secret of the universe but then he was run over by a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig and died. I would like to contact him on the other side and find out his secret. If you give me a place on your course, I will share the secret with you and our students and together we can take over the world.

I look forward to being inaugurated as Senior Trance tutor soon.

Kind regards,

Gerry

La Amstrad

Dear Amstrad,

First of all, congrutuations on your key role in the abolition of slavery. Go you Schooners!
Secondly, I heard about Sir Alan Sugar retiring as Chairman of your company and thought to myself, "If I don't get the Microsoft job, why not?"

As soon as I know, I shall let you know, when/if I can start work.

Yours sincerely,

Gerry

My giddy aunt

Dear Hypnotherapy Association,

I hope you don't mind me writing to you like this, I feel compelled to contact you in the light of what has happened to my aunt from Bath.

My aunt was in an incident over a week ago now and although she has not recovered, she is still very traumatised and confused. My aunt went on a cruise to Norway with my her husband (my uncle, by marriage) and had a wonderful time, dancing and playing strip poker and then something terrible happened. My aunt had one or two too many sherries and passed out on the crazy golf course. When she awoke the next morning with her head juxtaposed with a mini castle, she became convinced she was a giant and has been acting like one ever since. On top of this, she had great difficulty leaving the ship and has now developed a mild form of what is known as "mal de debarquement syndrome". This causes her great distress as she is convinced that she is a giant who is "all at sea".

My father (my aunt's brother) and my uncle have tried everything (including constructing an enormous trampoline) but to no avail. They have not tried hynotherapy as my giddy aunt is afraid of losing control of her mind (ironically, we fear it is too late for that!) but they have not given up hope of having Jackie (my aunt) return to her old steady, normal-sized self.

Yours faithfully,

Gerry
(concerned and slightly mystified nephew)