One in two parents will have 'em

A recent survey has revealed that one in six mothers has a favourite child. Quite often that child is not their own. It is the child next door or sometimes an imaginary child who lives happily in the mind of the mother, quiet, obedient and good at jenga. Ten mothers out of six have never taken their children to Disneyland and amazingly, one in two mothers has never touched a gibbon with a ladle.

The survey also revealed that quite a few fathers have feathers. These can help keep the child warm when the mother is busy gathering supplies in Primark. Most fathers stated that they love all their children equally and in the same way but one father from Kettering admitted that he loved his oldest child unconditionally, whereas his daughter he loved in the subjunctive.

Some parents' experiences are less conventional:

"I couldn't help it," explained Jim, a part-time welder and bird impersonator from many different places, "I always wanted a son, but my wife kept giving me daughters. In the end, we had 57 daughters, 14 dogs, 3 penguins and no sons so I used my skills and welded a son together out of steel, brass, and a bit of polyester. Now we're the perfect family and our son is thriving at school, he's really attentive and is excellent at forming bonds with the other kids."

Hilary Capillary, a fully fledged and devoted mother and founder of a website for parents, says that having a favourite child can cause intense feelings of shame and guilt. She suggests that the best way to overcome these feelings is to not have any children at all. "At first I have found that as a mother, it was difficult for me not to have any children but I attended an evening class with some other like-minded women and we smoked a lot of skunk and now I love all the children I don't have the same. I recommend Northern Lights but if you can't get hold of that, then regular skunk will do."

Your parents' footsteps

If you had a different father, would you have the same shoes? This is just one of the great metaphysical conundrums of our time. Presumably you would have one shoe the same (the one on your mother's side) and the other shoe would be different. How different would depend how different your father is, for example does he like to eat wood whilst at the same time being morally opposed to furniture? If you find yourself with completely different shoes, you'd do well to question the validity of both your parents and check that your laces haven't been tied together. If you have no shoes at all, do not panic, there is a good chance you are wearing a nice pair of socks. Your parents' union is crucial to your existence, therefore you should be grateful for their romantic endeavours and you should give them a present on your birthday or, better still, on the day of your conception. Presents can include a copy of the Dream Warriors classic hip-hop album "and now the legacy begins", a season ticket to West Bromwich Albion or a free leaflet about obstructive sleep apnea.