Hounslow Gray, semi-famous explorer and environmentalist extraordinaire
Convinces the balding polar bear
Who's down in the mouth
About extinction
To move down south
To avoid extinction
The ice caps melt, the sea level rises
As Hounslow Gray surmises
It's a bloody disaster
There's no happily ever after
But the polar bear doesn't care
Or even give a toss
He's now living in Brent Cross
Having an affair with his boss
And lamenting the loss
Of his hair
Showing posts with label hair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hair. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Law-sutism
The Lord Chief Justice today gave tradition a cheeky slap on the bum when he took off his wig in court and exclaimed:
"Criminals come in all shapes and sizes so why discriminate against judges with hair? I have the deepest respect for crooks, reprobates and scoundrels and I can assure you this has nothing to do with hirsutism. "
The courtroom was stunned, mainly because no-one knew what he was talking about. After lunch, a spokesperson who looked a bit like a horse explained that they wanted to update the Judiciary and make judges look more in touch with the modern world.
"From now on judges with or without a full head of hair will be able, nay, encouraged to appear in court without headgear. One step at a time, nay, as judges without heads will still unfortunately be working from home. Please can I have some more hay?"
"Criminals come in all shapes and sizes so why discriminate against judges with hair? I have the deepest respect for crooks, reprobates and scoundrels and I can assure you this has nothing to do with hirsutism. "
The courtroom was stunned, mainly because no-one knew what he was talking about. After lunch, a spokesperson who looked a bit like a horse explained that they wanted to update the Judiciary and make judges look more in touch with the modern world.
"From now on judges with or without a full head of hair will be able, nay, encouraged to appear in court without headgear. One step at a time, nay, as judges without heads will still unfortunately be working from home. Please can I have some more hay?"
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Play time
Dear Samuel Beckett Estate,
I am writing to you today in order to apply for the rights to the Samuel Beckett play, "Happy Days". This is because, as good as the play is (and it is), it could be a lot better. All you need to do is rewrite the play and make it more like the American 70's TV show, "Happy Days". Needless to say, I am just the man for the job.
Once you have granted me permission to rewrite Mr Beckett's play, here is a taste of what I intend to do:
ACT 1 SCENE 1. THE FONZ IS STUCK IN A MOUND UP TO HIS WAIST. HE COMBS HIS HAIR. SILENCE. THERE IS A JUKEBOX TO ONE SIDE. HE BANGS IT AND IT STARTS PLAYING ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK BY BILL HALEY & THE COMETS. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE TIME. THE MUSIC STOPS. SILENCE AGAIN. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE SILENCE.
FONZ: How time flies when one is stuck in a mound up to one's waist! (PAUSE) A waist of time, if you will! If you won't then I certainly will! (FONZ COMBS HIS HAIR AGAIN.) SILENCE. BLACK OUT. END OF ACT 1.
ACT 2 SCENE 1. THE FONZ IS STUCK IN A MOUND UP TO HIS NECK.
FONZ: Look at this mound. I'm up to my neck in it. (HE TRIES TO HIT THE JUKE BOX WITH HIS HEAD. HE CANNOT. HE TRIES TO COMB HIS HAIR. HE CANNOT. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE FAILURE.)
FONZ: Oh, well, life goes on. Hey!
SILENCE. BLACKOUT. THIS SIGNALS THE END OF THE PLAY. THE END.
I'm sure you'll agree that this new and improved version of the play is most definitely new and improved. Mr Beckett would be ever so grateful to me, so I expect you to grant me the rights ASAP and then I can begin my world tour before Henry Winkler dies.
Yours sincerely,
Gerry Howell
I am writing to you today in order to apply for the rights to the Samuel Beckett play, "Happy Days". This is because, as good as the play is (and it is), it could be a lot better. All you need to do is rewrite the play and make it more like the American 70's TV show, "Happy Days". Needless to say, I am just the man for the job.
Once you have granted me permission to rewrite Mr Beckett's play, here is a taste of what I intend to do:
ACT 1 SCENE 1. THE FONZ IS STUCK IN A MOUND UP TO HIS WAIST. HE COMBS HIS HAIR. SILENCE. THERE IS A JUKEBOX TO ONE SIDE. HE BANGS IT AND IT STARTS PLAYING ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK BY BILL HALEY & THE COMETS. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE TIME. THE MUSIC STOPS. SILENCE AGAIN. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE SILENCE.
FONZ: How time flies when one is stuck in a mound up to one's waist! (PAUSE) A waist of time, if you will! If you won't then I certainly will! (FONZ COMBS HIS HAIR AGAIN.) SILENCE. BLACK OUT. END OF ACT 1.
ACT 2 SCENE 1. THE FONZ IS STUCK IN A MOUND UP TO HIS NECK.
FONZ: Look at this mound. I'm up to my neck in it. (HE TRIES TO HIT THE JUKE BOX WITH HIS HEAD. HE CANNOT. HE TRIES TO COMB HIS HAIR. HE CANNOT. THIS SIGNALS THAT ONE OF THE KEY THEMES OF THE PLAY WILL BE FAILURE.)
FONZ: Oh, well, life goes on. Hey!
SILENCE. BLACKOUT. THIS SIGNALS THE END OF THE PLAY. THE END.
I'm sure you'll agree that this new and improved version of the play is most definitely new and improved. Mr Beckett would be ever so grateful to me, so I expect you to grant me the rights ASAP and then I can begin my world tour before Henry Winkler dies.
Yours sincerely,
Gerry Howell
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