Love's Labour's going to lose

Today Gordon Brown was introduced to and then by his wife in Manchester! He wore a suit and made a speech befitting any self-respecting Prime Minister worth his salt in weight.

Mr Brown said he would improve Britain for young people and old people, brazenly implying that he would charge middle-aged people an extra $10 a head for ham and DVDs. Now, I'm no madcap Tory bean but there is simply no justification for this. Whatever next?! Hidden taxes on facial expressions? Smile? I nearly played the blues.

Mr Brown also admitted he had made mistakes in his time. It is common knowledge that he beeped when he should have bopped but do we all know that he once got his laundry mixed up with a famous Danish football player and as a result Denmark lost a match they really should have won although they were impeccably turned out?

Gordon's wife, Sarah, is quoted as saying, "Gordon Bleu! That's all I can say..."

Snap election

Gordon Brown is a massive crocodile from Scotland. Estimated to be at least 6 metres (20 ft) in length and weighing around 1 ton he is the largest crocodile ever seen in Downing Street. Based on his size, Gordon Brown is estimated to be about 50 years old. He is also the current chief necromancer of England, a small floaty island where human beans and children live in harmony and houses. Gordon Brown is a firm believer in oldy worldy labour values and a notorious man-eater. Gordon Brown is sometimes critized in the media for being a dour-face and not smiling but he is simply trying not to scare people with his giant gnashers. Gordon Brown is a keen swimmer and was most recently sighted in January in the Serpentine lake in Hyde Park where he was having a picnic with Ed Balls, a large, mostly plant-eating mammal also with big teeth.