Fancy that!

Like a lot of sane people, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. We used to hang out together, swap football stickers (annoyingly, we had the same ones), talk about girls (annoyingly, we liked the same ones and the girls clearly preferred him to me) and help each other with homework (annoyingly, he would copy me and I'd get into trouble).

We lost touch when we left school. I went to University. Got a 2:1. I went to France. I lived in Paris, near the Pompidou Centre, which I really like. I think it will be amazing when it's finished.

I came back to London. I got a job. Then a Cat, which I called Waterloo, after the battle between France and England that took place in Belgium. I like the way they decided to hold the battle at a neutral venue. But it took place on a Sunday and Napoleon Bonaparte used to go to church on Sundays and when he turned up after mass the battle was almost over. He arrived just before the final whistle and the English got him in a headlock, then put him in a prison on a little island miles away from the nearest cheese shop. That was his punishment. Apart from that, he quite liked living on the island, he had the place more or less to himself, which meant parking was never a problem. He had no-one to conquer so he formed an army out of ants and attacked a tree. He was doing well but it started raining so the ants went indoors.

In 1821 Napoleon took up topiary.
He made a statue of the Duke of Wellington out of a bush.
Then he put it in a frock and set fire to it.
He laughed so hard his head fell off and he died.


188 years later I bumped into my imaginary friend at a party in Stoke Newington. It was the 15th June, the date of the Battle of Waterloo just because people like coincidences so they can imbue them with significance. I told him my imaginary friend was right, I never did become a pilot for the US Airforce, but a freelance (unemployed) writer instead. I asked him what he did and he said he was a cryptozoologist.

"Perfect" I thought. I had some punch and he had a glass of water. Then he told me he doing a PHD on the ABC.

"The alphabet?" I said.

"No," he said, "Alien Big Cats."

Then he introduced me to his boyfriend. I was surprised that he was gay.

I reminded him we used to talk about girls when we were kids. He replied that he doesn't collect football stickers anymore either. Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend.

"Yes," I said, "but not a real one".