Quote of the day:
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
-- Anonymous
I suppose this means I didn’t know I was missing this email until it arrived. This is not untrue. But when I was about eight my pet guinea pig Marengo died and I missed it straight away but this does not mean I didn’t know I had a guinea pig when Marengo was alive. Recently I read about a lady in the newspaper who turned her dog into a diamond ring when it died. I did some research into this and what you do is cremate the animal, then heat the ashes up to a high temperature and mix the carbon with some other chemicals to make a diamond. Prices start from start from £2,495. This seems like a lot to me; you are better off doing it yourself, if your microwave goes up to 3,000 C. Besides, I don’t need to wear the remains of an animal around my finger to remember it, if you are so worried about forgetting your dead pet, then you probably didn’t like it very much when it was alive. Marengo is dead now but I remember him, and not just because he pissed on the vicar’s lap when he came round for tea.
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Monday, 9 March 2009
Fancy that!
Like a lot of sane people, I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. We used to hang out together, swap football stickers (annoyingly, we had the same ones), talk about girls (annoyingly, we liked the same ones and the girls clearly preferred him to me) and help each other with homework (annoyingly, he would copy me and I'd get into trouble).
We lost touch when we left school. I went to University. Got a 2:1. I went to France. I lived in Paris, near the Pompidou Centre, which I really like. I think it will be amazing when it's finished.
I came back to London. I got a job. Then a Cat, which I called Waterloo, after the battle between France and England that took place in Belgium. I like the way they decided to hold the battle at a neutral venue. But it took place on a Sunday and Napoleon Bonaparte used to go to church on Sundays and when he turned up after mass the battle was almost over. He arrived just before the final whistle and the English got him in a headlock, then put him in a prison on a little island miles away from the nearest cheese shop. That was his punishment. Apart from that, he quite liked living on the island, he had the place more or less to himself, which meant parking was never a problem. He had no-one to conquer so he formed an army out of ants and attacked a tree. He was doing well but it started raining so the ants went indoors.
In 1821 Napoleon took up topiary.
He made a statue of the Duke of Wellington out of a bush.
Then he put it in a frock and set fire to it.
He laughed so hard his head fell off and he died.
188 years later I bumped into my imaginary friend at a party in Stoke Newington. It was the 15th June, the date of the Battle of Waterloo just because people like coincidences so they can imbue them with significance. I told him my imaginary friend was right, I never did become a pilot for the US Airforce, but a freelance (unemployed) writer instead. I asked him what he did and he said he was a cryptozoologist.
"Perfect" I thought. I had some punch and he had a glass of water. Then he told me he doing a PHD on the ABC.
"The alphabet?" I said.
"No," he said, "Alien Big Cats."
Then he introduced me to his boyfriend. I was surprised that he was gay.
I reminded him we used to talk about girls when we were kids. He replied that he doesn't collect football stickers anymore either. Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend.
"Yes," I said, "but not a real one".
We lost touch when we left school. I went to University. Got a 2:1. I went to France. I lived in Paris, near the Pompidou Centre, which I really like. I think it will be amazing when it's finished.
I came back to London. I got a job. Then a Cat, which I called Waterloo, after the battle between France and England that took place in Belgium. I like the way they decided to hold the battle at a neutral venue. But it took place on a Sunday and Napoleon Bonaparte used to go to church on Sundays and when he turned up after mass the battle was almost over. He arrived just before the final whistle and the English got him in a headlock, then put him in a prison on a little island miles away from the nearest cheese shop. That was his punishment. Apart from that, he quite liked living on the island, he had the place more or less to himself, which meant parking was never a problem. He had no-one to conquer so he formed an army out of ants and attacked a tree. He was doing well but it started raining so the ants went indoors.
In 1821 Napoleon took up topiary.
He made a statue of the Duke of Wellington out of a bush.
Then he put it in a frock and set fire to it.
He laughed so hard his head fell off and he died.
188 years later I bumped into my imaginary friend at a party in Stoke Newington. It was the 15th June, the date of the Battle of Waterloo just because people like coincidences so they can imbue them with significance. I told him my imaginary friend was right, I never did become a pilot for the US Airforce, but a freelance (unemployed) writer instead. I asked him what he did and he said he was a cryptozoologist.
"Perfect" I thought. I had some punch and he had a glass of water. Then he told me he doing a PHD on the ABC.
"The alphabet?" I said.
"No," he said, "Alien Big Cats."
Then he introduced me to his boyfriend. I was surprised that he was gay.
I reminded him we used to talk about girls when we were kids. He replied that he doesn't collect football stickers anymore either. Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend.
"Yes," I said, "but not a real one".
Sunday, 8 March 2009
Chow bella
chow chow the chinese dog
or chow chow the american relish?
don't make the same mistake
i did
or chow chow the american relish?
don't make the same mistake
i did
Friday, 6 March 2009
Part time Complaints Officer
Dear Sir/Madam,
I have just applied for the above position via your website and I was informed that my application for a part-time job has been rejected as I stated that I was not interested in working full-time. This does not make any sense to me; it must be the result of a technical error on the part of your website or you simply do not know what you want! (This is the problem with so many underachieving individuals in society today.) However, I would like to reassure you that I am still interested in the position of Part time Complaints Officer as I have a great deal of experience in this area and would very much like to be considered for it.
Kind regards,
Gerry Howell
P.s If I do not get this job, you will be hearing from me again - you have been warned.
I have just applied for the above position via your website and I was informed that my application for a part-time job has been rejected as I stated that I was not interested in working full-time. This does not make any sense to me; it must be the result of a technical error on the part of your website or you simply do not know what you want! (This is the problem with so many underachieving individuals in society today.) However, I would like to reassure you that I am still interested in the position of Part time Complaints Officer as I have a great deal of experience in this area and would very much like to be considered for it.
Kind regards,
Gerry Howell
P.s If I do not get this job, you will be hearing from me again - you have been warned.
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