perambulating in the woods

arm in arm
leg in leg
today we ambled
saw people
dogs
harmonious
cold winter sun
shining through the copse
romantic
she said
i like it when you are extra sensual
i heard
existential
i said
why is there something rather than nothing?
she said
to be honest when i'm with you i'm not sure that there is

boxing day jollification

boxing day jollification
shopping and drinking
football and boats
a walk in the park
a man is stoned to death

a christmas poem

oh yes i like Christmas don't you?
it's nice
very nice indeed
time for family and all that
couldn't agree more
- what's that?
goose
is that what you're having?
goose you say?
not turkey?
what's good for the turkey is bad for the goose
do you get it?
never mind
oh yes it's very nice
are you sure you're having goose?
i thought you were vegetarian
well i mean everyone's a vegetarian nowadays aren't they?
bloody stinking rotten vegetarians
you make me sick
make me want to vomit
- what's that?
potatoes?
now there's a surprise
international year of the potato
did you know that?
i don't suppose you did
the year of the potato!
i ask you
solanum tuberosum - if you know what i mean
that's something, that is
the miracle of life
the staple of humanity
what do you say to that?
the food of the future
how does that strike you?
i can't wait
i take my hat off to the potato i do
i salute the tasty root
sing it a hymn and a ditty
i might even write a poem
ode to the apple of the earth

i like writing poems
i write one everyday
harold pinter died yesterday
and this one is for him

a towering achievement

legs
made out of chocolate
legs

persona non grata

in paris
rome
or even zanzibar
i think of you
when i am down
i breathe deeply
i miss you
when you're not there
i long for hydrotheraphy
despite
if i'm honest
not really knowing
what it is

poet (ger) ry

The last time i rode a horse
i fell off and died
i have given up riding horses
and taken up writing poetry
instead.

an even shorter play for Xmas

Frederick Goodge is a man in his early forties. He is handsome but faded and jaded too. He has spent a lot of time in the sun in the past and enjoyed a healthy balanced lifestyle but now he is mostly pale if not fetid looking. He is a kind-hearted man, avuncular and deeply fond of humanity but he is also a dangerous sociopath, with a tendency to shout obscenities at fauna and flora. He is on a window ledge of the 37th floor of a very tall building. He is about to jump. Enter Dana Drawl. Dana is devastatingly attractive, possessing the kind of sex appeal that can launch ships to the moon. She is a wily creature, a temptress and a pretty good waitress too. You should see her tips. She is married but not really, she is not the sort. She and Frederick have had an on and off, up and down, in and out, tempestuous, torrid and tawdry love affair ever since they were very young. Too young, some might say. Frederick turns around and sees Dana.

F: I'm on the window ledge of the 37th floor of a very tall building and I'm about to jump. Don't try and stop me.
D: You wouldn't dare.

Frederick jumps off the window ledge and plummets to his death.

D: Cripes. I guess whoever said never underestimate Frederick Goodge was right.

Exit Dana. The end.

a short play for Xmas

Agatha is sitting in a rocking chair, still. Enter Clive.

A: Maurice? Maurice is that you?
C: No it is I, Clive.
A: Oh I thought you were Maurice.
C: It is I, Clive but with the face of Maurice.
A: I see.
C: Can you still love me?
A: Can I still love you?
C: Yes.
A: In truth, I never loved you.
C: Oh.
A: Secretly, I always loved Maurice.
C: What was it you loved about him?
A: His face.
C: This one?
A: Yes. And now I can tell you to his face.

They look at each other in the face and kiss. The end.

FEDORA BERET OF INVESTIGATION

The FBI is actually a front for the hat-making industry! reveals savvy undercover reporter for Hello! Magazine.

"It's obvious when you think about it" said Janet Carbunkle, freelance journalist and avid amateur milliner. "The trouble is most people don't think about it".
"It's like there's an elephant in the room, and the elephant is wearing a big fancy hat as if it were going to Royal Ascot but no-one wants to talk about it. I'm saying it's OK to talk about it. Say Hello! to the elephant in the living room, and you'll be surprised just how friendly it is. Who knows - you might even end up in the bedroom together!"

Janet is currently seeking psychiatric help and is not allowed within 5 miles of an animal, dead or alive. She has also been banned from wearing any sort of hat, except for a crash helmet.