Making A Deutsch Mark

A list of useful loanwords from the German language.

1.       Angst – without this Radiohead wouldn’t exist.

2.      Kindergarten – without this there would be no Kindergarten Cop.

3.      Poltergeist – literally noisy ghost, this would be much less scary, just really annoying.

4.      Schadenfreude – taking pleasure in other people’s misfortune. The Germans are well aware we don’t have a word for this and they find it very amusing indeed.   

                            A list of not so useful loanwords from the German language.

1.       Sauerkraut – sour cabbage, anyone? No thanks.

2.      Wunderkind – a who’s good at German or simply a German child.

3.      Kaputt – this means broken, we can just say broken. If the word broken ever breaks, then we can use Kaputt. 

Face to Face

Face to Face

A short, somewhat anachronistic play about the horrors of war, mistaken identity and the wonders of modern technology (especially in the field of corrective plastic surgery)

It is night and dark except for the light – the light of the moon. Daisy is sitting in a rocking chair but she is not rocking, she is still, dead still, but is she dead? No, she is not, although between you and me sometimes she wishes she were, she is merely asleep, having a nightmare, a truly horrendous nightmare. Really bloody good acting is required at this point to convey the contents of Daisy’s dream, as it includes vital clues to her character and portentous symbols about what is come, e.g the loss of a loved one, the folly of war and dirty sex with a clown. Suddenly Daisy hears a sound and stirs – it is the sound of a tired man returning from the war, the Second World War, although it’s virtually impossible to tell which war from the sound. Enter a man. For dramatic purposes I am not sure who it is.  

Daisy:                    Maurice? Maurice, is that you? Maurice?

Clive:                     It is I Clive.

(I am now at liberty to reveal that the man is Clive, Clive Ham, a brilliant vegetarian soldier with an unusual penchant for wood)

Daisy:                    Oh. I thought it was Maurice.

Clive:                     It is I Clive but with the face of Maurice.

Daisy:                    I see. I understand and yet I don’t.

Clive:                     How can I say this? Maurice is dead.

Daisy:                    No! He can’t be! Say it ain’t so! Your drug is a heartbreaker! My love is a life taker!

Clive:                     I’m afraid it is so. Maurice didn’t make it but he wanted me to have his face. Here, here               and here. Daisy, my darling, can you still love me?

Daisy:                    Oh, Mr Ham!

Clive:                     Please call me Clive.

Daisy:                    Very well, Clive. The truth is I have never loved you. Secretly, I have always been in                        

love with Mr Eggs.

Clive:                     You mean Maurice?

Daisy:                    Yes, Maurice Eggs, Mr Ham.

Clive:                     Pray, what was it you loved about him?

Daisy:                    His face.

Clive:                     This one?

Daisy:                    Yes. At least now I can tell you to his face.

Daisy and Clive look at each other longingly and confusedly, and then kiss - perhaps forever but we shall never know, as this, my war torn, lovelorn friends, is the end of the play. Fade to black, to the sounds of Flight of the Bumblebee. Blackout. The end.   

the return of frederick goodge: friday 27 January @ Etcetera Theatre Camden ...

The Descent of a man

A new play by Frederick Goodge

Dramatis Personae

Thomas Macavity

Vivien Monroe

Scene 1. Thomas Macavity is a man on the edge and also the window ledge of the 30th floor of a very tall building that looks a bit like a vegetable.  Enter Vivien Monroe, a woman. She is a wily creature, a temptress and a pretty good waitress too. You should see her tips. For years now, she and Thomas have been having an on and off, up and down, in and out, tempestuous, torrid and tawdry love affair. Thomas turns around and sees Vivien.

Thomas: I'm on the window ledge of the 30th floor of a very tall building and I'm about to jump.

Vivien:     Don’t do it.

Thomas: Why not?

Vivien:     Life’s too short.

Thomas: That doesn’t make any sense.

Thomas jumps off the window ledge and plummets to his death.

Scene 2. Vivien is at home, inconsolable, literally beside herself with grief. She is listening to “Where do you go to, my lovely” by Peter Sarstedt on repeat. Eventually she falls asleep. 

Blackout.  The end.

Now that I am older

I used to have this fantasy that I would bump into the girl of my dreams in a branch of Millets and we’d be there fighting over the last tent left but in the end we’d decide to share the tent and spontaneously elope to France together and live happily ever after. But now I’m now less romantic and more realistic, you can buy tents on line, not just from Millets and I never want to live in a country where it’s illegal to name a pig Napoleon. Just in case.

gerry howell at the comedy store september 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOazxb1-sbg

GERRY HOWELL'S FANTASTIC REALITY: Every cloud etc.

GERRY HOWELL'S FANTASTIC REALITY: Every cloud etc.

Every cloud etc.

There once was a man named Markus Stomp, who claimed he could boil an egg whilst standing on his head. There is no evidence whatsoever to support this claim. Legend has it, however, that one wet, rainy day in late September Markus Stomp accidentally stood on an egg and boiled his head. It was a very sad day, especially for the egg but it did eventually stop raining.