Jacob Mansize, wildlife fanatic (otters mainly) and bearded
barber, was snoozing in his chair, dreaming of the woman of his dreams when a
butterfly flapped its wings in Papa New Guinea and set in a motion a chain of
events that would dramatically change the course of history for a very short
period of time. Or was it merely a cosmic coincidence that a butterfly flapped
and moments later on the other side of the world a lady walked out of the wind
and rain and into Jacob’s barbershop on Balham High Road (Tooting end), jolting
Jacob out of his fantastical slumber, and requested an impromptu trim?
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” said the lady, stylishly
ushering the words out her mouth, which was beautiful, the sort of mouth you
might see in a toothpaste advert, a new kind of amazing toothpaste that
promised to do all manner of things that no other paste (tooth or otherwise)
had ever done before, like turn back time or make you look like Grace Kelly in
her heyday even though you actually look much more like Matthew Kelly on a bad
day, perhaps one involving an erroneous police arrest on suspicion of stealing
a hot cross bun.
Jacob Mansize stirred in his chair and rearranged his body parts
into a form and posture befitting the presence of a lady with a beautiful
mouth.
“No matter,” said Jacob, his words bumbling out of his mouth and
onto the hairy floor. “I was just taking a little nap, it’s been a busy morning
– how can I help you?”
“Do you cut ladies hair?” said the sodden, weather-beaten lady.
Jacob was about to say no, I don’t, this is barbershop, are you
completely out of your mind of course I don’t - when he noticed the mouth on
the face of the lady standing in front of him asking him the question. He was
struck, nay, walloped by its beauty; he fell back into his chair, clocked the
uncanny resemblance of the lady to the female protagonist in his recent
reverie, decided on the spot he was in love with the lady purely on the basis
of just one of her physical attributes, albeit an important one, and declared:
“But of course, I cut ladies hair, and I would love to cut yours, it would be
an honour and a pleasure - when do you need it done by?”
“Are you free now?” said the lady, who in addition to her
beautiful mouth, possessed an irresistible pair of hands. “I have a date this evening
and my regular hairdresser has gone on a silent retreat to Billericay -
lastminute.com apparently, more like massive-inconvenience.com...”
The beauty of the lady’s mouth slipped off her face like a cheap
mask half way through the ball. A new kind of ugliness crept up in its place
and settled in immediately like a squatter with unparalleled staying power and
no desire to see the world.
Jacob Mansize was no longer in love. He fancied the pants off the
lady before him on account of her mouth and hands but that was all. She had a
date already and said things like “massive-inconvenience.com”. This was a most
unattractive trait and Jacob knew for certain they could never be together.
Jacob pretended he had just remembered something very important which meant he
wasn’t free after all and he showed the lady out of his shop.
He shut the door behind her, and locked it. He climbed back into
his chair and resumed his snooze, this time dreaming not of womankind but of
the otter sanctuary he hoped one day to open and run, not realising this
venture would remain a far off fantasy if he continued to refuse to cut
people’s hair.
As Jacob Mansize nodded off for the second time that afternoon,
another butterfly flapped its wings many miles away and consequently, a few moments
later, nothing happened.
